No Promises

People ask me why I smoke.

Well, I picked up smoking because I was betrayed. Up until the age of 18, I had no idea what it meant to have your trust broken and your belief in another human shattered. Sure, I had faced disappointments before but losing out in a track and field meet or finding out that your Dad’s sister hated your guts for no apparent reason was not quite the same as being betrayed for the first time.

I had just returned from holiday in Europe after about a month. My then boyfriend had gone on holiday prior to my departure. He returned home after I had left my hols so altogether, we hadn’t seen each other for close to two months. Ten years ago, at 18, we couldn’t afford cellphones. Pagers were the in-thing at the time and neither of us had the luxury of having a laptop with remote access to the Internet to email each other either. If memory serves correct, I was still using a 56kbps dial-up at home on my first desktop. Either way, over those 2 months, contact and conversations between us were very few and far between.

When I returned home after my holiday, I shortly found out that the then boyfriend had cheated on me during my absence. Worst of all, I knew the girl too. We were mutual friends and all studying in the same faculty. My heart broke. My trust for him and our relationship no longer existed and for the first time in my life, I understood the meaning of the word betrayal. If you ask me why it was such a big deal well, quite simply, he was the first guy I ever fell in love with. I knew not of such emotion, feeling or happiness until we got together and he took all of that away with one impulsive decision.

The next few weeks following the revelation were intense. I didn’t eat. I subsisted on Vitasoy (for my foreign readers, Vitasoy is a soya bean based drink) and nothing much else. Then one day, for some reason I felt compelled to do something damaging. So I went to the nearest store, bought my first pack of cigarettes, a lighter and went down the street, lighting my very first cigarette, taking my first few drags, thinking that I would never trust another human with my heart ever again.

That tumultuous relationship lasted a lot longer afterwards. Over the course of 3 years, he cheated on me a total of 3 times, with 3 different girls. Yes, I was stupid, naïve and most tellingly, desperate enough to stick with him throughout all of that. Like they say, third time lucky eh?

Ten years on, I still smoke. I’m not a hardcore smoker by a mile but I haven’t made a conscious effort to try and quit either. Though I have forgiven my then boyfriend for whatever has happened in the past, my cigarettes remind me of how easy it is to have your emotions trampled on and flung out the window like confetti. Even when I was with D - probably the only other man whom I have ever had any real feelings for - I never felt any compulsion to give up smoking. Somehow, over the years, with my constantly growing and renewed cynicism, perhaps the only thing that has remained constant is the fact that I have no qualms about reaching for my cigarettes and lighting up.

I am in no way an advocate of the habit and I just want to make it clear that my decision to not kick the habit is purely a personal one. I can go without cigarettes for days but I have come to realise that my desire to step out and light up is usually fuelled by some sort of emotional or mental distress – work, friends, family, personal life etc. And because until today, I cannot forget the feeling of betrayal.

And that is why I smoke.

P.S. On the subject of D, I went home last night to discover that he had sent over an entire box of my personal belongings that I had left behind in his apartment, many, many, many months (we’re talking a year +++ here), ago when we split up. Frankly I had given up all hope on ever seeing those things again. Anyway, they have been returned after all this time, and I do not know the motivation behind the action because we are not on speaking terms. I am inclined to think that perhaps he has a new partner that he has asked to move in with him, or maybe he’s just finally decided to move on. Whatever the case, I hope he is well and I wish him nothing but joy and happiness in the future.

We're all lions. Well, not quite.

Remember the cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz? I have this theory that at some point in all our lives, every one of us gets like that character. In fact, it probably happens quite often but we just never stop to think long enough about it.

Fear brings out the worst in people. Mankind's history is riddled with examples. People fear change. People fear the unknown. People fear that tomorrow will result in a lack of something. People fear loss. People fear rejection. People fear death. People fear bloody people.

Okay so those things all sound like big ticket items, none of which you think are relevant to you. Let me make it more bite-sized then.

When's the last time you stood up for something you believed in? Be it religion, be it a school of thought, be it an opinion of yours... just how many times have you stood up for something that had meaning to you? It doesn't have to be dramatic but if you disagree with someone at work and you believe that your opinion counts for something, do you stand up and say, "Sod all of this, I don't buy this bullshit and this is why" or do you just swallow your pride, nod mutely in total agreement with whoever is lording the alternative over your head and just go with the rest of the herd? Guilty of the latter? Sure you are. I am too. Hooray! Let's throw a party for the losers eh? :)

How about a different example. Like staying in relationship that you know is unhealthy and bad for you in the long run. Sure, you've been together a while and sure, it's all good on the outside but you know there's issues underneath. Your partner may have cheated on you and you decided to stay on even though you've been horribly hurt and you know things will never quite be the same. Or you know that your feelings for your partner are no longer the same and it's getting hard to pretend that everything is all fine and dandy but you just can't bring yourself to say it out loud and deal with the matter. Or you've been together so bloody long that you can't even recall how you even met but he/she doesn't want to take to the next level and you know that you want to do something about it because God knows, it plagues you even in your dreams but you choose to sit there like a deaf/dumb/blind statue all because you have no idea what the consequences will be and you're mighty frightened about any or all possibilities. Guilty? Oh yes, me too. Guilty of being too fearful to take action. Guilty of being too afraid to make a decision. Guilty of not being honest with oneself. Guilty of being so, so, scared that pissing in your pants seems like a less formidable option.

Right, how about I flip the picture around. Ever liked someone but never had the courage to tell the person? Why? Afraid of being rejected of course. Ever wanted to put your hand up and say, "I can do this. Let me do it", but you never raised your skinny arm up because you were afraid of having a bunch of people pointing and bellowing with laughter at your machismo? Ever thought of giving up the everyday grind and going to travel the world, living on a shoestring budget but chucked the idea because, "Oh my god...what if...you know...what if..?!" Yeah what bloody if, indeed.

I suppose 9 out of 10 people who read this will go, "You don't understand. We've been together so long and I love my partner. It's not easy." Sure. Of course it isn't. I'm not asking you to walk out on your relationship. All I'm saying is, grow some balls and deal with the situation. How will you know if there is anything worth salvaging if you're not even sticking one toe into the pond to test the water?

And then I suppose another 9 out of 10 people who read this will go, "You don't understand. I can't stand up during the meeting and say all these things because I'll lose my job and everyone will pelt me with their tuna sandwiches." Really? Do you really know that to happen or is that just a fantasy scenario that you conjured up on one of your more creative days? Again, my point is, if you don't try, how will you sodding know if people will really react that way?

Oh and of course the final 9 out of 10 people who read this will go, "You don't understand. I cannot go up to so-and-so-person-whom-I-care-about-immensely-but-have-never-spoken-more-than-three-words-to-in-the-past-5-years and tell her/him how I feel because...tsk, just look at him/her! I'm not good enough. He/She will never fancy moi!" Seriously, this warrants being clubbed on the head repeatedly with a full pencil case.

Whatever your reasons may be, big or small, valid or invalid, reasonable or just plain stupid, I am sure you have all those reasons in place because of some type of fear. And of course you're entitled to them, entitled to live with them too like a bag of spiders you lug around... and you can grant yourself an occasional peek into the spider-bag and freak out once in a while too. It's your choice and ultimately your life but just think of how different things might be if only you could deal with those spiders.

Courage dear hearts, courage. You owe it to no one but yourselves.

Cooler Than You

And so I once dated an asshole called Spooner
Should have checked the stars because he turned out to be a loser
It started off fun - dinner, drinks and snogs
Didn't realize til later that he was just a frog

Football is his thing, a die-hard fan of the Hammers
Used to ask me to stay the weekend and told me to bring my jammers
Listens to rap, hip-hop and drum and bass
Seems like the white boy is trying to make up for a horrific face
'Word up motherfucker!' is his favourite refrain
Yeah, the Wigga clearly has something missing in the brain

Used to drink beer, smoke fags and cheeky spliffs on weekends
I played along thinking that it'd do me good to move any way the wind bends
That was until I found out about the mystery trip
The one that involved Horseface's 'lovely' tits and made me flip
Split up shortly after, "Don't know what I want" he said
Bothered me for a while but then it's no loss because he was crap in bed

Heard through the grapevine that he hits on waitresses now
The man is so desperate that I'm sure he'll even shag a cow
Got wind that he thinks the women in my country aren't very interesting
He obviously hasn't heard himself talk - I'll tell you he's fucking boring
I guess he thinks he's just too cool for skool
What he doesn't know is that he's just a big, old fool

So I'm taking bets to say he'll never settle down
Probably run to Phuket someday and marry one of the locals for a pound
Or maybe he'll scoot back to home to wonderous Essex
Where the girls are about as bright and interesting as a jar of wax

Honestly Now

People are no longer honest these days.

No, I'm not calling the whole word a bunch of conniving liars. I'm just saying that people have become too good at packaging the truth to suit different situations. I would know this all too well because my job requires me to package information all the time. No, we don't lie outright but sometimes the reality of the situation is not altogether pleasant, hence the need to package it so that we highlight the best aspects and hope that people don't go dig up the not-so-nice aspects and feel like they've been taken for a ride. Believe me, the packaging is everything.

The downside of being trained to do this professionally is that I read people and conversations better than most. Now, this can be both bane and boon. At times you thank your brains and the stars for your ability to see through the multiple layers of bullshit that people try to fling at you and deal with the morons appropriately. On the flipside, sometimes when you realize that someone's trying to pull wool over your eyes, you get angry and more often than not, disappointed that the person in question would try to blindside you. The worst part about this though is the fact that you constantly anticipate that someone is going to disappoint you and you wait on tenterhooks for that moment to arrive. It means you second-guess when there is no reason to. It means your glass is always half empty. It's absolute bollocks but you just can't help but do it because your belief in human behaviour translates to one simple thing alone - people are not meant to be trusted.

Okay I confess. I have battled with trust issues for just about forever. It's natural for me to expect the worst all the time because it's easier to say, "I knew it", when something goes awry as opposed to going, "I never thought this would happen to me." Preempting the worse-case scenario is a defence mechanism through and through and I try very hard to not build entire forts around myself. Easier said than done which is why I struggle with letting people into my life. It also explains why I come across as someone who is cold, aloof and with a hard exterior that cannot be cracked. In reality, I am a giant softie but my pragmatic approach to dealing with people usually gets the better of me.

I sometimes wish that people would just be honest. Honesty is a liberating virtue. When you have nothing to hide your mind is relaxed and your conscience is free. However people have become almost too good at packaging the truth. Take for example the fact that Spooner told me that one of his best mates used to date a girl for 5 years and then moved overseas to work. Things fell apart when the ex-girlfriend realized that he was two-timing her with another girl in the country he was working in. Yeah, he told me that his best mate was a bit of a bastard for doing it and I reacted with the appropriate amount of shock. What he did not tell me was that the best mate had got the other girl pregnant overseas. How I found out is not important but believe me, the source is extremely reliable. It was as good as hearing it from the woman herself. :P

This is what I mean by packaging the truth. Yes, the story is true but it was not the whole truth. A key detail was left out on purpose. Why? Self-censorship is one thing but telling you three-quarters of the truth and then leaving the rest hidden is just bizarre. It makes you wonder if everything you've ever been told has more to it than meets the eye. Of course it's natural to want to paint yourself and your friends in the most flattering light but just how far do you go?

Again, this is not about fabricating facts. This is about putting a select amount of truth into a box, wrapping it up in shiny paper and finishing it off with pretty little ribbon on the top. Presenting the selected truth in this manner makes it easier to accept and the chances of you doubting any of it is less likely as well. I know a lot of people who do this and pardon me for saying this, but I think it's utterly fucked up. How can you go through your life doing that? And my other question is, just how much effort do you go through trying to put all your little half-truths into boxes to suit different people and scenarios? It must take a colossal effort to do that all the time and even more energy to remember what version of the truth you told to which person. The irony is that if you ever get caught out by someone, they're not going to care if you told them 89% of the truth or not because you're just going to be branded a liar either way.

Put it this way, there's no such thing as a big lie and little lie. And there's only so far you can go with packaging truths until you run out of boxes, wrappers and ribbons and they come back to bite you in the arse. Hard.

Reflections and Renewals

Hello. And Happy New Year. :)

And so I put behind me another year, another 365 days of meaningful and meaningless moments, 12 months of ups, downs and in-betweens. No, it wasn't all bad. It wasn't prefect either but life was never meant to be. And to be honest, if I led a perfect idyllic life, I might go stir crazy. ;)

Unlike other years past, I am happy to say that I am not spending the start of 2011 feeling mopey and miserable. The past year has been interesting to say the least. Change featured significantly in many areas of my life and though not all of it was easy to accept and deal with, there have been lessons which I am thankful for. One can only hope that those lessons serve me well in times to come.

There is plenty to be thankful for. I got a new job in an industry that I think fits me, my capabilities and my personality. For the first time in my entire working life, I feel like I'm in a place where I can grow and learn and truly apply myself as a trained professional. The past 8 months have been challenging and there were moments early on where quitting felt like a very appealing prospect. Thankfully I have never been one who gives up easily under pressure and I'm still giving it all I have. Another huge (tremendous!), blessing has been in the form of colleagues who have turned out to be a fantastic bunch of friends. Finding like-minded individuals in a workplace is tough as it is but I can safely say that the beer-guzzling, chainsmoking, crazy, fun-loving reprobates (kidding!) that I work with are a life-support system that I am truly grateful for. It's great to know that we're not just people who happen to work together but we're mates. And mates are rare finds. So thank you guys for being you. :)

On the personal front, things have not been particularly smooth sailing. One long-term relationship came to an end after many sleepless nights of tossing, procrastinating and hours of "What do I do?" self-questioning. In the end I bit the bullet and ended things. Looking back on it now, I have no regrets. I grew, matured and loved fiercely over 3.5 years and I am thankful for all the good times and happy moments which I will always hold close to my heart. There was happiness in the past and I am sure there will be happiness in the future, for both of us.

And then there was the whirlwind romance with the crazy Englishman (whom, I guiltily admit, still find very attractive). Though it was short-lived, it was all fun and it also made me realize that I shouldn't shortchange myself when it comes to matters of the heart. No one should.

Travel opportunities were few last year but good nonetheless. I made it to Ho Chi Minh City, Bintan, Bali and Langkawi. Next year there will be some massive travels on the cards. Watch out Europe, because I'm coming over in March to drink all your beer. :)

Health was something I wrangled with in 2009. Thankfully in 2010, I was none worse for wear apart from a couple of stubborn infections. I have progressively kept up an exercise regime and intend to keep doing so and up the ante in 2011. If a healthy body leads to a healthy mind, then well, I'm all over it. Besides, all that beer and pizza I consume needs to get out of my system somehow. :P

My family, as always have left me perplexed and perturbed with their weirdness at times but I am eternally thankful for their existence, their silent show of unwavering support and unconditional love. My brother and I have grown closer, thanks to adulthood. My lovely cousins have brought me much joy in 2010 and I hope they continue to do so even as they grow up and become adults in their own right. I pray for more opportunities to bond and hope that laughter, grace and love will continue to flourish in my household.

Friends! I cannot forget my friends! Every special one who has in some manner brought laughter, a listening ear, a shoulder or two to cry on and been a pillar of support during lesser sane moments, thank you, oh thank you so very much. I am, in many ways indebted to all of you for keeping me grounded and in check. Trust me, I have no idea what I would do with myself if it weren't for my friends. So here's to many more days of friendship and maybe I can try repaying my 'friend-debt' in time to come.
And for the few who have fallen by the wayside during the course of the year, I'm sorry if I didn't live up to your expectations of being a friend. No one said that being a friend would be simple and uncomplicated. In any case, it was nice knowing you and I wish you well.

And so I look forward positively and with much excitement to what 2011 will bring. May it be a year of all possibilities. :)

All possibilities are landing at my feet,
There's nothing I can see,
But possibilities.
All Possibilities - Badly Drawn Boy