Greetings from Planet Weird

And so I've been getting back up on the dating horse. Yeah, that's my problem. I just don't give up or die easily. I learnt that from the roaches. No, it's more like me thinking, "Sod the bullshit that happened last year, I need to get on with my life because I'm not getting any younger and my Mum is driving me up the wall with the indirect hints to settle down and to go forth and procreate." *shudders*
Her latest attempt at not-so-subliminal messaging came in the form of an early birthday present. I was monging on the sofa after a bizarre weekend involving sick amounts of alcohol and basically doing my "I will not talk to humans today" therapy session when she gaily appeared in front of me swinging a gift bag.

Me: (On the sofa doing my best impersonation of a lounge lizard)
Mum: Look! I got your birthday present already! *brandishes bag with gift*
Me: Huh? Wa...? What?
Mum: I didn't know what to buy you.
Me: Err... Okay, thanks Mum. (But my birthday is 15 days away?!)

Being generally impatient and also generally curious I decided to open my present. Oooh Crabtree and Evelyn. Cool. As if I don't already have a million other unopened, unused body products that are guaranteed to render me smelling like some tropical fruit, exotic valley flower or a cake. Really, I have no reason to not ever smell nice. And that is a fact.

But there was more! Nestled deep inside the wrapping were... two (count 'em), TWO packets of red packets or if one were to be local about it, ang paos.

I stared at the packets. I scratched my head. I stared at the packets some more. And then I went, "WHAT THE FUCK?" Yes, I'm mostly an eloquent creature.

Now we all know that singles do not give out red packets during Chinese New Year. On the contrary, singles are meant to RECEIVE them. Considering that I am a) not attached, b) not brought a boyfriend home in recent times, c) definitely not married, I should thereby, according to simple logic, fall into the 'single and doomed' category of people that all relatives love to torment during CNY festivities. Hence, having dear old Mum give me TWO packs of red packets to utilize when she knows full well that I am not in the position to give any was nothing short of bizarre. The only logical conclusion that could be drawn from all this was the fact that she was trying very subtly to tell me that it was time for me to settle down and be in an ang pao-giving position as opposed to being on the receiving end. Very subtle indeed. About as subtle as a mammoth erection on a bloody cold day.

Now I am all for settling down. The minor or should I say mega problem is that finding the right person to have a relationship with is about as easy as memorizing a book on tax law overnight. Let's not get so ahead of ourselves shall we? I can't even find someone decent to date so fuck the relationship aspect for now.

After splitting up with Spooner, I have met 4 new people. One was hopeless from the get-go. Vegan, angsty and borderline cuckoo. Nevermind. Next. Second one was fresh out of a long-term relationship and clearly unsure of what he wanted. Pity, because he was a nice feller who still happened to have his head still stuck up his ex's skirt.

The third one, who shall henceforth be named Nik showed some potential until our second date last Friday which turned out to be something that seemed like a page out of a comic book. Firstly, Nik is a ridiculous Star Wars fan. I will leave you to imagine the level of ridicule that I am referring to but let's just say that I am not using the word 'ridiculous' here loosely. It seemed like a normal night right up until the point where he went to the bathroom and disappeared.

Yes, Darth Vader Nik did a Harry Houdini and vanished into thin air or carpark (as he claims to have done).

Mind you, we both had been drinking a fair bit throughout the night and I was also battling fatigue in the worst way having had a late night the day before as well. So imagine my horror when the man did not return to our drinking locale and sent me a What'sApp message that went, "Sorry to have bored you. Think I got the message. :("

I think my brain got stuck at 3:30 in the morning at that point because I was like, "What the hell does that mean? And secondly, where the hell did he go?"

Turns out he never came back. Yes, the man pulled an ESCAPE.

Some furious messaging ensued but it turned out that the feller had jumped into a cab and gone home. I was left having to pick my jaw off the ground and made my way back home.

The next morning I sent him a message asking what the hell had gone wrong to have the previous night's events unfold as they had done. He claimed to have truly gotten lost en route to the little boy's room and had stumbled into the carpark and had no idea how to get back out. This explanation also came between a few lines of "I am sorry to have bored you, maybe I was talking too much and you seemed so 'cold''".

Cold?

Cold??

Cold?!?!???!

I'm sorry, but WHAT the hell was I supposed to be at 3:30 on a Friday night after a day at work dealing with a massive hangover from the night before? Were you expecting me to PEEL your prawns for you? Give you a back rub? Oh, were you really thinking I'd snog you if you plied me with enough drinks? Well too bad, I can hold my drink. Really well.

So needless to say, that is the end of Nik. I'm nipping this one in the bud. There's just no way I'm going out with someone who is most likely going to yell, "THE FORCE IS WITH ME!" at the point of orgasm.

Sigh.

I spent most of Saturday recovering from the previous night's traumatic experience. This involved sleeping the whole day. At night, I went out on a date with a new person who I shall christen 1Day.

Thus far 1Day seems to be sort of normal. I say sort of because he told me how his last relationship ended and it was like his ex-girlfiend was Linda Blair from The Exorcist because what she did to him seems to indicate that the woman is certifiably insane or possessed or both.

In any case, I am also a little wary of people who have had particularly bad relationships in the past because my last serious boyfriend was just like that and boy did he have confidence issues that rocked our relationship like hell. I'm not saying that everyone who dates a madwoman (or three), will end up being a complete basketcase but the chances of the person getting paranoid, insecure and possessive over the next person that they go out with increases significantly. And I could well do without all that weird-ass drama.

Hence things with 1Day will be taken very slowly. We'll just stick to a couple of text messages and the odd date for now.

Now, can someone please tell my Mum that I'm single not from the lack of trying but simply because I seem to have a penchant for picking specimens that fall straight out of Planet Weird?

Normal! That's all I'm asking/begging/pleading for!