When I Grow Up...

...I want to be wank fodder.

Seriously. You have got to be fucking kidding me. Yes sure, who doesn't want to be the sultry, heavy-lashed, pouty, long-haired, fine-limbed vixen in the corner that all the fellers are fighting to buy a drink for? Believe me, it's not what it's made out to be.

Last week saw an intense conversation pertaining to wank fodder. Apparently men categorize women into two distinct categories. Wank fodder. And non-wank fodder (NWF). Very insightful that.

For the uninitiated, wank fodder girls are the ones who catch your fancy as they sashay past in the club, at the train station platform or it may be just some random chick going to get herself a whopping 6 inches from Subway at lunch. Anyway, in short, you look at her and you fancy her and you think, "Man, I'd do that. On the couch, on the floor, hanging from a trapeze etc." In layman (pun unintended) terms, she's fuckable. And if you couldn't get your paws hands on her, you'd conjure her up in your head and choke the snake to death with your industrial size bottle of hand lotion conveniently placed nearby.

NWFs on the other hand, are the girls you'd want to bring home and introduce to Mummy dearest because she's sweet, nice, innocent and doesn't dress with her tits falling out even though you really, really, really want to get them out and play with them all the time because they're just sooo... floppy.

And after that explanation, if you still don't get it. Then here goes.

WANK FODDER


NON-WANK FODDER


Okay, if you still can't get it after this, then you need a new brain.

Anyway, the point of all of this is that the categorization is conducted in a completely senseless manner.

Apparently, if a girl is wank fodder, you spend all your time trying to get into her pants. If she agrees to it, you shag her brains out. Of course, the whole idea is to get more than just a shake and heartbreak. After which, you relegate her to your wall of conquests UNLESS somehow, between you chatting her up and shagging her brains out, you manage to glean that she has a brain and a personality worth getting to know further. In which case, if her brain outdoes her boobies or booty or both, you proceed to jot down her phone number into your iPhone and then call or text her two days later and ask her out for coffee. Or if you're a half-assed decent human being, you'd buy her dinner.

Now, though I do see merit in this method of eliminating the wheat from the chaff (my mother would be so proud of my biblical references), I am thoroughly flummoxed by when and how one decides as to whether there is more to the wank fodder you just bent over the balcony rail or not. Did you somehow manage to conduct an analysis that went along the lines of, *thrust* "So, she's hot as hell." *thrust* "Looks fine from all angles too." *thrust* "And she mentioned she went to Harvard. *thrust* "And she likes dogs." *thrust* "Oooh, and she likes playing XBox too. *thrust thrust thrust* "Hell yeah, she's a keeper." *thrust thrust* "Okay, turn over baby."

You see what I mean? *wiggles eyebrows*

On the other hand, you would not have to go through this with NWFs simply because you don't think of shagging them. In fact, you go all the way out to be nice to them because they are "nice" girls. Seriously, it's the nice girls that are complete freaks in the sack. (This is the part where all the fellers nod in sagely agreement.)

So once you get to know the nice girl and once you've dated her for about 3 months, you bring her home to Mummy and let Mummy feed the poor girl with her horrendous cooking and make inane conversation. And because NWFs are generally nice, they will pretend to like your Mum's cooking by not choking or gagging over the too-tough chicken and completely agree that your mother's blouse that is reminiscent of a curtain is just "sooooo in right now" even if it's from the 'Aunty Section' of the OG department store.

This is where it gets unfair. The hot girls aka Wank Fodderers need not be sluts. They could be really sweet, fun, smart women who just happen to look like they fell out of a dirty magazine. Sue the girl if she looks damn fine in a short skirt or a pair of jeans. Do you really think she's just worth a shag or 10 minutes of intense hand activity? BAH!

No. The answer is no. It bloody hell better be a no.

Then again, I have no idea why I am getting so irate over this. Maybe because I was labeled wank fodder and am thoroughly pissed about it.