So here I am, 28 days after my last entry. What has changed you ask? The short answer? Plenty. The long answer? Well that's coming up. Now before I carry on, I think I need to make a disclaimer here and warn you that there is a high possibility that this post might end up being one of my epic rants. I will try not let my inner ranter unleash hell but it's going to be tough considering how much I want to vent, combined with the fact that I am listening to the Tron Legacy soundtrack by Daft Punk whilst I write this.
Spooner and I have officially crashed and banged into nothingness. No wait, let me say that again. He crashed and banged into nothingness. I was just a bewildered bystander at the wayside. What happened? Nothing much really. One conversation set events in motion and things fell apart. It was the 12th of December and he had come home from football and was wasting away on the sofa. Now, I had known about the Phuket trip for a month by then and he still had not breathed a word about it to me. I was a bit, no, VERY sick of biting my tongue and the white knuckles that came with feigning ignorance by that point so I decided to bite the bullet and ask the pertinent question, "What are you doing for Christmas?"
If I had to describe the next few minutes of conversation that ensued after I asked that question, I'd ask you to picture a deck of falling cards in slow motion. Against all odds, he did not lie to me. I was bracing myself for a complex series of lies. Fuck, part of me wishes he HAD lied because things would have so much simpler to deal with. But he didn't. Damn the man. Instead, the next 5 minutes of conversation or should I say, interrogation that was carried out was akin to pulling teeth. The result? I took my bags and walked out of the apartment. The clincher? He did absolutelyfuckingnothing to stop me.
The following week saw a series of emails being dished out by both parties. Welcome to the modern world of dating and relationships. We don't even bother talking in person anymore. We bloody email. Let me get to the forgone conclusion then, we split up (over email, no less!), because his royal highness said, I quote, "I'm sorry, I'm messed up about this and I don't know what to think or do...One minute I want to carry on and the next I am reluctant...The last thing I want to do is mess you around so best we call it a day..."
Well that says bloody a lot doesn't it?
Firstly, I thought I was the female in that relationship. Apparently, I got it wrong. How does one person spend 4 months going out with another person and then SUDDENLY realize that they didn't know what they wanted? Pardon me for saying this, but was it that time of the month for him where his hormones were all totally whack?
Maybe I should also add that prior to that parting statement, he had accused me (yes, accused), of being insecure, clingy and demanding for commitment. I will now swear upon every hair on my head that every accusation he made was utterly baseless and total bullshit. I countered the arguments in my usual eloquent and succinct manner only to have ALL of it ignored. The man was grappling at invisible straws. Oh yes sireee, he was.
I didn't put up a fight. I may have initially but I lost steam because the more he dragged it out, the more apparent it became that all my efforts were pointless. Here was a man who claimed that he had not met someone he liked as much as he liked me in years. And here is the same man saying he doesn't know what he wants.
Truth be told, I completely disagree with the "I don't know what I want" excuse. It's such a lousy cop out. I know what he wants. I know EXACTLY what he wants because he wrote it down, clear as day, in an email to a strange girl he was getting to know a long time ago. Oh yes, I have literal evidence. In that email, he clearly stated that he wanted to settle down and start a family and that the hard part was finding someone worth the while to do that with. He then also proceeded to say that he understood that it got harder as one got older but that he was not going to impose any deadlines on himself.
Let me just sidetrack here a little and say that this is the type of man my father would have HATED with a vengeance. The indecisive, procrastinating, floater. It's like an annoying turd that refuses to get flushed down the toilet. I suppose this also explains why my little brother has taken a particularly aggravated stance towards Spooner's behaviour and actions (or lack of). The men in my house have always been extremely well-principled and this behaviour is not just frowned upon. It's simply not allowed. Why? No matter how you argue your point, procrastinating, especially when another person's feelings are involved, is never justified. In short, my brother would gladly sock Spooner in the face about a dozen times right now and then proceed to kick the shit out of him if he could.
Whilst having the regular Tuesday beerage with my colleagues last night, one of them mentioned that statistics have shown that most break-ups occur during the year-end holiday period and that one should technically go through the 5 stages of grief as detailed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross from her book, 'On Death and Dying'.
Here are the 5 supposed stages:
1. Denial - The "No, not me" stage.
This stage is filled with disbelief in denial. If your partner asked for a break-up you think he/she will change their mind.
2. Anger/Resentment - The "Why me" stage.
Anger at the situation, your partner and others are common. You are angry with the other person for causing the situation and for causing you pain.
3. Bargaining - The "If you do this, I'll do that" stage.
You try to negotiate to change the situation. You might approach your partner who is asking for the break-up and say "If you'll stay I'll change".
4. Depression - The "It's really happened" stage.
You realize the situation isn't going to change. The break-up happened and there is nothing to bring the other person back. Acknowledgment of the situation often brings depression. This could be a quiet, withdrawn time as you soak in the situation.
5. Acceptance - The "This is what happened" stage.
Though you haven't forgotten what happened you are able to begin to move forward.
Let me just state for the record that psychologists collectively agree that one does not have to experience all 5 stages in the set order. I suppose this makes sense considering how you are more likely to 'bargain' with the other party whilst in the midst of breaking-up. In my case, denial, depression and bargaining have all come to pass. I am hovering between anger/resentment and acceptance. I am angry because I feel like a complete idiot for trusting that goon and being totally blind-sided by well, a number of things that I think I should keep private. I am also angry because Spooner has acted like a spineless git throughout the whole thing.
Well, here's to moving on then. To better times, better people and better days ahead. And if ever dares to come back and say, "Let's try again", there's no guarantee that I won't lunge forward and slap him. And he still needs to return my stuff. Dammit. And to quote one of my favourite bands,
I'm another ex-girlfriend on your list
But I should have thought of that before we kissed
No Doubt - Ex-girlfriend
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