You're right.... but just not right now.

I'll never complain about being single.

You can attribute that attitude to my last serious relationship because ever since I got out of it, I feel like some sort freed blue bird who's high on smack, flying around doing any damn thing I please, whenever, wherever, however I like. Truth be told, there's a certain magic to be able to live your life whichever way you deem fit. The rebel in me thrives at not having to answer for my actions, not having to 'report strength' to anyone and being held responsible for whatever I do...well, because nobody else can be held responsible for my actions.

But therein lies a problem. I know I am not getting any younger. I am creeping up to my 29th birthday. Most people my age are either married, going to get married or already married with a house and a kid. Me? Well, all I have right now is a job and half a dog to be responsible for. Despite my carefree ways, I do get the occasional bout of niggling worry that I've somehow missed the boat. Now, I usually banish that train of thought with a vehement "Get ye behind me Satan" command and go on my merry way but I suppose it would do me good to pause and think about this for a while. So why not think about it today eh?

It's been more than a year now and though I have dated other people in between, I can't say any of those little dalliances meant much to begin with. It's been 6 months, well going 7 now, since I dated anyone proper and I can quite frankly tell you that I am not bothered about the 'single, not looking, can't be arsed' status quo. The irony is that, I do have options. There are guys who are clearly interested. And as far as I can tell, there's at least one who is decent, kind, and not a total shithead. In simple terms, he'd make a good boyfriend. BUT... yes, there has to be a resounding 'but' here... I don't feel inclined to pursue it. I just don't. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with the guy. He's smart. He has a freaking PhD for crying out loud. He's not bad looking, far from it in fact. Considering that his parents are dentists, he even has nice teeth. :D He has a job and he's working at making a name for himself. He talks to me regularly and treats me with respect and doesn't demand time or attention from me so all in all, he's got a lot of things going for him. So I suppose I should ask myself the question, "Christ alive woman, what the fuck is wrong with you and why are you waiting?"

Fantastic question. Stellar question. Million-fucking-dollar question. A question that I have asked myself a lot lately. A question that deserves a properly thought-out answer. A question that I can't really answer, to be honest.

The truth is, I don't know why I am holding back. My friends who are in the know of this said person and my lack of reciprocation have also asked me the same question. They've just stopped short of grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking sense into me. But I don't have a clear-cut answer. I like this guy in question. I could see us together but at the same time, I just don't feel like going that far. I don't want to put the both of us in a 'relationship' situation. Part of me is afraid of losing a friend. My friends in the know have told me that this is an unwarranted concern. In fact, the exact statement was, "You have enough close friends to take you through this lifetime. You should just go for it." Mind you, this was said in a bar in Hanoi when we had each consumed at least 5 beers each but it was all shared with feeling and sincerity, hence I have no reason to doubt the intentions behind the sentiment.

Still, I don't want to go after this opportunity even though I have no doubt that it would be a decent run. A large part of me feels like I am just not ready to commit to anyone. Another part of me lives in some inane fairytale land that says that getting together should not take so long. Forgive me for saying this but I think every girl wants to be swept off her feet. The fact that I have known this guy for an extended period of time and that we've ended up good friends, makes me think there's no magic between us. Okay, I suppose that's a load of bat wank considering how I ended up with the last 3 guys but still, I am female and I still want my fairytale start and ending. Halt! Before you judge, the realist in me is far too loud and proud to subscribe to that theory in full. I know that a lot of people end up together after being friends for years. I am, admittedly, a walking bag of contradictions. I am just being an indecisive piece of shite when it comes to this particular situation.

Believe me, this is something I am wrangling with quite seriously. I am sitting here with a list of reasons as to why I should give this feller half a chance. And to counter that list I have a list of reasons as to why I should just say "Oh hell, let's just see where the hell this goes", and the latter list is winning by a mile. Yet I want to keep my options open. Not that any of the other options can offer me much more. After all, most of the men I meet are either weird, priapic, insane or just have one goal - to see me in a state of total undress (nothing great to look at either).

So I don't know what to do and there's a chance that I could see a really fantastic feller ending up with some trollop that will piss me off to no end but I can't blame him for not wanting to wait around for an indecisive monkey like moi. I guess it will be a risk I will have to take but then again, time will tell I suppose.

In any case, I wrote this entire post with one song on repeat. I don't know what about it that makes me want to listen to it over and over again. Perhaps it's the harps, Florence's voice or maybe it's just an awesome tune. Either way, have a listen if you will.

Screw It

I seem to be running thin on patience these days. Actually I have been pushed around a fair bit these past few months and there has been more than one person at any given point, giving me grief of some description or another. It is rather rare for me to lose my head. In fact, those closest to me will tell you that me losing my head is a once-in-six-years sort of affair so when it does actually happen, you should declare it a public holiday.

Anyway, given that I seem to be attracting all manner of rubbish these days and most of my time is spent frustratedly trying prevent things from blowing up at work, I have neglected my friends, my personal time and time with the family as well. The only thing that has kept me going is the visits to the gym and well, my dog. The dog is a new addition to the family. He's just a puppy and his energy is boundless but over the past few months he's helped my mental stability by just being, well...a puppy. He's serves as the best distraction I have ever had in years which makes me wonder why I never pushed harder to get a dog earlier. I grew up with two big dogs as a kid so having pets would have been the ideal way to deal with life's bullshit but I suppose like many things in my life, I chose not to push the matter of getting another pet. Mind you, I don't think I can say the same about having a pet terrapin. And yes, I have had a couple of those as pets before as well. :)

Either way, work remains hellish. My friends continue to rally around me. I am not seeing anyone and at this point in time, I still don't have any desire to pursue a relationship with just any Tom, Dick or Harry so I've kind of left that part of my life untouched. It boggles me somewhat that more than a year has passed since my decision to walk away from the relationship with D. Though I do miss the good times and familiarity of being with someone for that long, I do not regret my decision. I suppose if it happens again in future, then well, I guess I will be better prepared for it and I will be wiser about my decisions. In the meantime though, I shall carry on being as happy as clam, doing whatever it is I want to do and give in to 'reasonable' whims and fancies whenever I want. How bloody ironic is that?

The end of the year is fast closing in on me and I want to make this a year worth remembering so here's to saying C'est la vie for the next 4 months and making the most of it. And yeah, I will try to write more. I promise. :)