Hairdryer Collection

I have this theory that there are a bunch of single men all around the world who collect hairdryers. No, they don’t it as a sort of hobby (or maybe they do), by going around and buying every single model that ever existed in the market starting from the first one invented by Alexandre Godefoy in 1890. Now what is really traumatizing is that the first actual hairdryer was... believe it or not, a bloody vacuum cleaner. For some reason known only to all the mad women from long ago, they dried their hair by connecting a hose to the exhaust of their vacuum cleaners. Apparently early models of the electrical ‘suck machine’ were designed to suck air in through the front and blow air out through the back. Moreover the hose could be attached to either end.



My theory requires a bit more complexity that just having men running out to buy the latest Phillips 50,000 volt dryer to add to their glass cabinets. Over the last 18 months I have managed to unwittingly donate not 1 but 3, yes THREE, hairdryers to the men I have dated. The first one is with D. Okay granted, I called the split after 4 years of togetherness and all other manner of relationship nonsense and he never returned any of my things, including my favourite Sunday dress and my weekend Louis Vuitton purse. Meh. The hairdryer that was sacrificed to him was one I purchased from Takashimaya because I had shopping vouchers and didn’t know what else to buy. In the interest of protecting my mane (have you seen the length of my hair?), I decided to buy a hairdryer. In fact I bought two. One for my own place and the other to be kept at D’s apartment because I spent a considerable amount of time there. Really, I was like some orphan shuttling up and down between my flat and his every week. Either way, it had got to a point where I was sick and tired of using the small little dryer that his previous ex had left behind and decided to grab the hair by the horns and buy a hairdryer (2,000 volts me thinks), that allowed me to dry my hair in 15 minutes as opposed to the usual 45. Seriously, small hairdryer and my hair = looking like cast member of the Lion King.

In any case, considering that D’s previous ex’s hairdryer was still in his apartment, I should have cottoned on to the fact that something was amiss or at least figured out that there was a hypothesis waiting to be tested out there.

Hypothesis:
Single man with hairdryer = Potential for more hairdryers to be accumulated as a result of other failed relationships

I didn’t realise the potential of this hypothesis until I dated Spooner last year. Now, the man lives up a freaking hill. Just heading down to the supermarket to get some beers and walking back up the blasted slope left me sweating like a rapist. And given that I wash my hair everyday (no it hasn’t fallen out, and it won’t, again, have you seen my hair?!), the idea of not being able to rinse it out of all that muck and sweat left me very, very grumpy. Ironically, he too had a hairdryer in his apartment, only his belonged to his mother and not some random woman he had shagged in the past. It was a good hairdryer too. Only problem is, his mother had brought it in from the UK when she had come to visit and the freaking plug would not fit into the local electrical wall sockets. Given that I am not prone to running around with a universal adapter in my handbag, I couldn’t use the bleeding piece of machinery. What did I do? I went in search of hairdryer. Duh. After investing 80 dollars, I had a spanking new Rowenta to deal with my rug. Hallelujah. Joy to the world. My hair is saved!

And then we split up.

The fucker never returned my stuff and definitely did not return my hairdryer. So technically, he too now has two hairdryers lying around in his apartment. Wanker. Stupid git. Toad jizz.

Well I should have figured something was up by now right? No I didn’t. My hypothesis was being tested right under my very nose and I was none the wiser. I can be a bit slow off the mark at times, I do admit.

So now we come to the present day situation. Despite the brevity of our relationship, AJ and I spent a lot of time together. This meant me monging at his place during the weekends and even going to work on Mondays from his. Yes, it was one of those romances where two people could spend more than 72 hours with each other and not want to throw the other person passing under a passing bus. I distinctly remember this conversation one weekend.

Me: I have to tell you something.
AJ: Er... what?
Me: I need a hairdryer.
AJ: I’ve got one. But it’s a bit wonky. It was my ex’s.
Me: Okay, I need a proper one.
AJ: I know. You have a mane hun. No worries, let’s go get one later.

And so we did. We went out and got a hairdryer. Again, I totally missed the sign blaring in front of my face. Single man has hairdryer. Said dryer belongs to ex. *WARNING! WARNING!*

When we called it quits, the man arrived with a COLD STORAGE plastic bag full of my stuff – a dress, a toothbrush, a roll of deodorant, a weekend purse, my flip-flops and conveniently forgot my hairdryer. Nevermind.

Given that I had to return his iPad and his jumper which I had borrowed for my trip to Europe, it was somewhat non-commitally agreed that we should meet up and swap our things in due time.
Now, I am generally a very, very patient person. My tolerance for bullshit from humans is quite epic. Alas, I waited the whole of last week and did a lot of thinking, soul-searching, mental-swearing and then decided, “Fuck this. I don’t want to see him. I am going to return his stuff... by courier.”

So I sent his stuff back to him today. About midday came a text. Enjoy the following exchange.



Okay, I admit I was a bit hasty with the reply and only realize the hairdryer return-policy was being brought up after I sent that text. Alas, the man is soooo sharp.



Seriously mate, if I would go through all the effort to get your things couriered to your office, do you really think I want to see your face? Do you? Huh? Huh? Huh??? But woe betide me! Some people are really, THICK in the head.



Yes, thank you. I too am very glad that you would 'literally' be willing to meet me for two minutes. God only knows how one deals with figurative meetings. They never taught me that in the UandI-versity. Is it me or are people really that dense these days? Or is the world filled with Muppets that only understand certain codes? Do I have to sing Fuck Off Far, Far Away to the tune of Elmo Song before you get what I am trying to say?

Urgh.

Either way, another hairdryer bites the dust. So ladies, if the next guy you date has a hairdryer lying about, please exercise extreme caution about leaving yours behind because you clearly will not be the last one. And there's no comfort for hairdryer loss. Trust me, I've been there. Thrice.

Hello mate, fancy a shag?

Well, my last post seems to have struck a chord with some folks. I’ve had a couple of people ask me to expand on the subject of how to find an “ideal” fuck buddy (henceforth referred to as FB or I risk having the keys f,u,c, and k, falling off my keyboard from excessive use).

Now, let me state for the record that there is no such thing as an “ideal” FB. Face it, there’s no ideal anything. Should there be an ideal situation, I wouldn’t be sitting here at the age of 28, single and fed-up with the very thought of relationships. Therefore, let’s throw ideal out of the equation here. Let’s be realists for about five minutes and just deal with the task of trying to a decent, normal, good, reasonable FB.

Time to fess up – I’ve had a couple of FBs over the years. The first one was an ex boyfriend. We dated for about half a year and I realized that the relationship was moot and called things off. Why? Well, we didn’t have much in common. He was a banker, I was trying to sort myself out and was at the time, working in some crappy job just to get the bills paid (no I wasn’t a Starbucks barrista, thanksverymuch). So what do two people who are poles apart do when they get together? They have sex. Lots of it. And truth be told, there wasn’t much else to that relationship. Just hours and hours of sex.

After the relationship ended, this said ex who shall be known only as Juicemaker decided for some reason known only to him that he wanted us to remain friends. Given that I was never in the business of being friends with any of my former partners, I was slightly taken aback at the suggestion but decided to give it a shot any way.

The whole being ‘friends’ caper seemed to work a treat initially. We’d talk on the phone and text each other pretty regularly and it was all cool. Then one day he invited me over to his place for dinner. I went over, like a lamb headed for the barbie. No prizes for guessing what happened after dinner was over and the last of the wine was drained from the dregs. Let’s just say that fellatio should never be part of one’s dessert menu.

After that night, this little arrangement became a regular feature for several weeks after. What did we have to lose? We were familiar with each other’s bodies, we knew what the other person liked, and we still talked, albeit on a non-committal level but it was easier to just sleep with each other as opposed to going out on the pull and finding someone new. And to make matters worse, the sex was pretty decent. All was well for a wee while until it got to a point where Juicemaker decided to get back into dating other people. He rang me one day telling me about this girl, whom he called ‘Apple’ and how she had a really hot friend called ‘Orange’ and how he was really into ‘Orange’ but it was ‘Apple’ who kept wanting to come after him. By the way, it was him who named those women after fruit and it was my best mate who came up with the moniker of Juicemaker for him. Years later, my friends STILL refer to him as that. Go figure.



With his fruit basket in tow, Juicemaker then proceeded to tell me how he wanted to suggest a ménage trios with both girls. Up until that point, I had been dealing with the conversation by gritting my teeth and chanting, “Iamhisfriend, Iamhisfriend, Iamhisfriend” silently in my head. However, at the suggestion of a happy fruit basket gathering, I fell into a black hole and wanted to spray Juicemaker with industrial-strength pesticide and watch him shrivel up and die.

Shortly after that episode, I put a stop to our illicit romps. Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t jealous and neither was I wanting more out of our little arrangement. I was highly irritated at the fact that Juicemaker was trying to get the best out of all worlds by using me as his emotional sounding board, confidante, AND sex puppet. I was just one step short of being the perfect girlfriend who listened to your problems, let you fuck around as you pleased and was still willing to fuck your brains out whenever she was given an opportunity. Yeah I am naturally generous but that was too much even for the likes of yours truly. What do you take me for – Mother Theresa?

Hence that came to an end quite quickly. However, lessons learnt from that experience include:

1. Do not convert an ex boyfriend into a FB. It is a disaster waiting to happen regardless of whether you’re emotionally uninvolved or not.
2. Do not fuck fruit.
3. Do not fuck people who like to fuck fruit.

The second FB I had was a completely different enigma altogether. I cannot remember how we met but I knew from the get-go that he was a complete, utter, wanker. If I recall correctly, we went on a few dates and it transpired to us having sex. Now, here’s the weird part. He told me that he had a girlfriend (actually it was fiancé but he conveniently didn’t mention that until much later). And he also told me that he was very keen on fucking me.

One would have thought that given the above scenario, I would have been smart enough to realise that the guy was a total douchebag and fled from that tangled web like Carl Lewis in his heyday. I didn’t. If anything, I did the complete opposite and agreed to sleep with him knowing full-well that he was technically someone else’s husband-to-be and that he was a complete bastard for cheating on his fiancé with me.

Perhaps I was temporarily insane or confused or stupid or just on some emotional bender that required me to act like a total twat... it all happened a long time ago and my reasons for doing what I did evade my memory now. Either way I am not proud of my decision but I did it anyway.

In any case, my sessions (yes, therapy), with that prick was all about sex. Was it any good? Sadly, the answer is a resounding no. He had a small dick. Ladies and gentleman, he was the size of a box of Ricola pearls. REEECOLAAAA! It was hardly satisfying most of the time but I had been sexually active long enough and promiscuous enough (I pray my mother and all other relations NEVER find this blog), to work myself to the point of an orgasm and then finish him off so that he’d leave me alone.

This went on for several months. I didn’t like the guy at all. I didn’t care about him in the slightest. In fact, if he had been hit by a bus I wouldn’t have spared him half a thought even then. You could say I loathed him. And yet I was okay with fucking him. What was really interesting was that he knew that I had no interest in him aside from using him for sex. That knowledge wound him up. He didn’t like the fact that I had no desire to be concerned about him in any manner whatsoever apart from what went on between foreplay and climax.

I eventually put an end to that sordid affair because the knowledge that he was engaged to someone else made me feel horribly guilty about the entire fiasco. Granted I never knew or met the girl in question but I felt awfully sorry for her because she was going to end up marrying a complete twat. Rumours I heard said she was no better than him because she was also fucking random guys behind his back but that was not the point. I knew I wouldn’t want to in a relationship where the other half was out shagging someone else behind my back.

Now apart from the fact that the goon mentioned above had a girlfriend and was hopelessly under-endowed, he was a reasonable FB. Yes, go ahead and blink blankly at that statement. The reason I say he was a reasonable FB is because he ticked a lot of other boxes.

1. Does not resemble Frodo Baggins or Gollum. – Check.
(What is in the trousers is a bit difficult to ascertain in the initial stages hence there’s always a risk factor there. Same goes with the chances of you contracting a STD really.)

2. Does not try to cuddle you post-coitus. – Check.
I cannot emphasize how much you must NOT connect with your FB on any level apart from the physical one. Any man who wants to cuddle/snuggle/curl-up and then talk about his day needs to be chucked out of the bed pronto. You don’t form emotional bonds with your FB unless you’re raving psychopath who wants to set yourself up for a mega episode of dysfunctional emotional trauma. Really, you don’t need to know about how crap his HR manager was to him on Tuesday. And if you really need to cuddle something, get a spare pillow or slap yourself twice and you’ll be fine.

3. Does not attempt to contact you for any reason apart from setting up fuck dates. – Check.
Dirty text messages are not part of FB etiquette. Couples do that. Cheating husbands do that with their mistresses. If you’re fucking someone for the sake of just fucking, you don’t tease the other person about it. You just fuck.

4. Is not a friend of yours and is not a friend of your friend. – Check.
We all know how friends always get caught in the crossfire of failed relationships between two people. It is always best to keep your FB out of your trusted circle. You don’t want him to get pally with your mates so that when you choose to get rid of him, he doesn’t turn up at your next barbecue gathering or worse, the dinner party where you introduce your new boyfriend to all your friends. Plus, you really don’t want him to be telling all your mates about what a dirty little skank you are in bed and how much you like the pretzel position do you?

5. Not a virgin – Check.
Do I really have to explain this? No? Awesome.

Now go forth and find thyself a FB.

Laws of Huh?

So yesterday saw me hanging out with G-doll over lunch and a couple of drinks after. After she got over the horror that she was sprouting gray hairs, we proceeded to fill each other in on what has been going on in our madcap lives over the past few months. I showed her the entire AJ fiasco on my iPhone to which she shook her head in total confusion. Yeah, that's about the same reaction everybody has had thus far apart from my darling brother who went, "Did he hit his head whilst falling over and twisting his ankle by any chance?" The honest answer to that is, I have no freaking idea.

And so I was telling G-doll how I was once again trying to lie low and avoid all weirdos and weird happenings so that I can restore normalcy into my otherwise comical life and how I happen to be failing miserably on that front. Much of this has to do with the re-appearance of dear Tomski. Yes, after two months of silence the man decides to pop up on MSN whilst I am at work and scare the beejeezus out of me.

Now given that his last attempt at conversation was to try to get me to sleep with him in the middle of some random night, and I politely declined and told him to go give himself a handjob, he went silent thereafter. Silent = disappearing off MSN, no more texts, zero contact. So when I got back to work after my trip and he popped up online, I almost fell off my chair in fright. For the sake of maintaining privacy, I don't keep logs of my online conversations on my work laptop, hence I can't stick screenshots of the convo here. In summary, he referred to me as "his old friend" (WHAT have you been smoking mate?), and then proceeded to ask me if I had "coupled up yet" (Is THAT what they call it these days?) and then went on to ask me if I can help with writing copy for his company website. All this after asking me if I was a "real PR person".

*slaps forehead*

And so the plan was to meet up with him and his business partner over the weekend to talk stuff through and figure out what needs to be put up on the site.



Ah, so the man is capable of being normal. Who would have thunk it?



Hang on a second. What was that clause for? I admit, I burst out laughing when I saw that 'disclaimer'. Anyway...





Ah, all business on Sunday until...3:05 am on Wednesday morning. (What? What?? WHAT???)Pray tell, why would I even WANT to awake at that time of the day? So yes, I was fasto in my bed and oblivious to the rest of the world. His response to my silence was amazing.



Oh my gawwwwwwd... he called me LAME at 3:46 in the morning. Bloody bastard. I woke up the next morning and saw the messages and scratched my head in astonishment. Through simple deduction I came up with this equation:

Drunk man + weird text message asking if one is awake in the middle of the night = Booty call

Now given that I know EXACTLY what his intentions were, I chose to feign ignorance. Given my line of work, feigning ignorance is part and parcel of life. Sometimes it's best to pretend that you're a stupid ignoramus because you actually can get more out of people that way. Before you think that I am a conniving, evil, self-serving PR person who goes all out to pretend to be something she is not with everyone, let me clarify that this side of me usually only exists in the work-sphere. I drop the PR mask when I am out of work and I am 100% myself around friends and loved ones. I admit I do pull the mask back on when dealing with total knobs outside of work at times but that's only because they're knobs. If I sound a tad defensive here, it's only because people have a bad habit of thinking that just because of my job, everything I say or do is loaded with a hidden meaning or agenda. That, ladies and gentlemen, is absolute bloody bollocks. I'm as straightforward as straightforward can be. I wouldn't be here writing about the inane things that take place in my life if I wanted to pretend to be something else.

Right, where was I? Ah yes, feigning ignorance about Tomski's middle-of-the-night weirdness. Well, as you've seen from my response, that is exactly what I did. I wanted to see how he would respond to that message. He obviously ducked the whole thing by avoiding the entire subject for a whole day. Okay fine, be a coward, you little shmuck... because I am a lot smarter than you give me credit for. :P



The conversation stopped there. Perhaps he was on to the fact that I was prodding to see what he would say and he was embarrassed. Or maybe he finally realized that I am not some random skank who will jump into bed with him just because he's tired of wanking. Fine Tomski, we had one random romp many months ago, but that doesn't mean I want you to feature regularly in my (currently non-existent), sex-life. I don't mind the idea of a fuck buddy at this point in time, but if I may be so honest, he's not quite what I'm looking for. I have this whole other theory about finding the 'proper' FB but that's a another post for a different day.

In any case, G-doll was privy to this little entertaining exchange yesterday and suggested that all this weirdness could probably be attributed to the 'Law of Attraction'. I was slightly appalled by this suggestion. The stupid philosophy states that "like attracts like" - that not only do we attract circumstances, material objects and people to us according to our actions, but also according to the thoughts we consistently hold in mind.

ARGH.

Given that I am trying to fly under the bloody radar and just be bloody normal for awhile, the whole "like attracts like" concept simply cannot be true. I am not looking for weirdness. I'm looking for normal! I'm not looking for weird men. I'm looking for sane, normal, non-fuckwitted ones! And given that I have been a very good girl lately and stayed home as much as possible (okay, that's arguable really), how is it that all these mad people insist on popping up out of the middle of nowhere and tormenting me? Just in case you're wondering why I picked the plural form there, I will tell you that Tomski is not the only one who has made a weird re-appearance. Remember darling Nik aka Darth Wanker? Yes, that one. The one who went missing in a carpark... *rolls eyes* Well, he's suddenly decided that he's still keen despite my repeated attempts to shrug him off. He decided to pop up on Facebook and start a conversation that left me wanting to curl up in fetal position and cry. Anyway I have managed to avoid him for the time being. Let's hope it stays that way.

Sigh.
If there is a god, I would humbly like to request that he stop all this weird nonsense and send me someone awesome and normal...

Like Ian Somerhalder. :)



Now that's not much to ask for is it?

Oooh La

Yeah the title of the post is after a song by The Kooks. Am on a bit of a bender since the latest weekend listening to and YouTubing Luke Pritchard and gang to the point where I can probably can sing 'Tick of Time' backwards. (If you haven't already realised that I have weird moments, then this is proof.)

So apart from mulling over the bizarre end of my latest whirlwind romance with AJ and getting hit on by an aircon repairman from China en route to work this morning, I had a good think about how friends or rather people grow up and get to certain points in life sooner or later. The thing is, the point(s) never changes. Whether it's about sorting your life out and getting a proper job and climbing the career ladder, or choosing to stop playing the field and settling down with a semi-respectable human or just learning how to make your own bed, the milestones so to speak, generally remain the same for most people. It's the amount of time it takes and the shit in between that happens that varies with individuals.

Whilst in Europe I exchanged a couple of emails with a mate of mine who lives in New Zealand. I've known Spazz for eons now and we once had a little relationship that was short-lived because we knew that we were designed to be nothing more than mates. Before he moved back to New Zealand Spazz and I used to catch up regularly and exchange notes on our equally sordid love lives over kebabs and bottles of wine. He even met my last serious ex D a few times and it was all cool. I miss having him around because he travels a god awful lot with his job and emails are sometimes sporadic and sometimes there's no contact for months. But when we do write or get in touch, we just pick up where we left off. Nice to know that distance never conquers some things.

Anyway, I got a mail out of the blue when I was in Europe.

From Spazz
>>>> On 21-Mar-2011, at 4:00 PM, @gmail.com> wrote:
So...........how mad are wid me?
Are you ok doll?

From me
>>> On 22/03/2011, @gmail.com> wrote:
Geezer! Where the feck have you been?!?

I'm all right. Am actually at Chamonix at the moment traveling with a
mate across europe. Heading towards Rome tmrw afternoon. How the hell are u mister?

From Spazz
>> On 22-Mar-2011, at 5:30 PM, @gmail.com> wrote:
Oh wow living the good life aye? Awesome and well done.

I am doing fab. Currently in sydney for another week. So yeh I have settled down. Ahem. Yep i m off the market doll. I knw u are jus severely dissapointed rite? Lol.

Had to be done and its awesum. No majic weirdness. Just awesumness. Lol.

Wots new with you?

From me
> On 23/03/2011, @gmail.com> wrote:
Settled down eh? Did you get married without telling me then??!! Lol.

Well am all for awesomeness mate you know that! What's new with me? Well on vacation at the moment. Just happily exploring the world with a friend. There's a bf back home and he's cool. Time will tell I guess. I've kinda chilled out a whole lot after splitting up with D. Been out with a few people since but nothing special. Have got a good feeling about the current one but hey, I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. Not gonna be surprised if he turns out to be a complete fuckwit either. ;)

Good to know you're all settled mate. That's pretty awesome news really!! So when do I get to meet her? Or him?! Or did you fall in love with a sheep!!? Lol... ;)

Take care geez, it's always good to hear from you. X :)

From Spazz
>On Tuesday, March 22, 2011, @gmail.com> wrote:
Thx for the updation hun.

I am glad u are all free and cozy. I enjoyed all of that and it got bit addictive.

But life is all about changes and chances and I am embracing that fullly now.

Maybe u will get to meet her. Who knows. She is very tradional and I luv that. I had been with too many skanks I guess. I am relishing the KISS principle now. Keep It Simple Stoopid.

You are a very kool mate. Always a special pleasure meeting and chatting with u. We clicked day1.

Jus be ureself doll I luv the way u are

____________________________________________________________________

Okay so Spazz's spelling leaves something to be desired but like I said, we always carry on wherever we last left off. And it's nice to know that he's finally found someone to slow things down with and take it easy with in pure awesomeness. :) Truth be told, some of the antics that Spazz used to get up to and the women he used to get involved with used to worry the life out of me. I was always waiting for him to sit at the table one day and tell me he'd banged some random woman up or was involved in breaking someone's marriage up. I wouldn't put it past him. He is and always has been capable of doing all those things so it's a bit of a shock to the system to hear that he's changed his ways and decided to stick with one and just the one.

Before you think that this is me thinking that I wish things has been different between Spazz and myself, then let me stop you right there and tell you that's just all wrong. Like I said before, we're mates and though I love Spazz dearly, I don't have any desire to pursue anything other than the solid friendship we've built together over the years. I suppose the point I am trying to make through all of this is that we're all essentially the same. Yeah, Spazz has acted like a right bastard during some occasions in the past and treated some people really poorly and I am pretty sure at some point in time some girl somewhere who got her heart broken by him must have sat and swore and called him every vile name that exists in the book meant for dickheads. I'm just saying that just because he was an arsehole once or many upon a time, it doesn't mean he is incapable of changing his ways.

It takes a lot of courage and maturity for someone to Spazz to stop dicking about and stick to one person. Then again, it could really be about the idiot falling in love. Finally!!! It's about bloody time mate!

In any case, I am happy for him. Yeah my personal life isn't the greatest but it's nice when things go well for my friends because in some weird, obscure way, I share their joy too. :)

Oh and if you have never heard of The Kooks, please go throw yourself under the next passing bus.

There and Back

Note: This post was written on Thursday, 31st March 2011 but there was a delay in putting it up. There is an update right at the end of it too.

And so as I sit at the Madrid airport and contemplate the end of this trip, I've come to several little conclusions. Whether these little ones are tantamount to some big realization is something that is yet to be seen and not something I want to dwell on just yet. (Gotta love denial. Ha!)

I've been fortunate enough to travel around the world since I was a wee thing but this trip was a leap of faith for me. I started on a solo life journey several months ago and a lot has transpired in that time. This trek halfway around the globe is hopefully the end point of that arduous journey - the great issue of finding myself (erm??), finding my peace and dealing with a history that has been nothing short of mind-boggling.

Emotionally I've come a long way. I used to think I'd never trust another person with my heart again. The past 6 months is proof that I have healed in most parts and that I do have it in me to try and trust again. I have only just started to put myself out there and it isn't easy and it hasn't been smooth sailing either. I've been disappointed on some counts and even questioned myself repeatedly just to make sure I know what I'm getting myself into. Life has dealt me many lemons but I can't sit here and cry about it anymore. Fuck the lemons. There's more to this life than my past and I need to live in every borrowed moment I have left.

I know there will be moments of pain/confusion/doubt in the future. Disappointment is definitely on the cards. Even as I write this, my brain is preparing for another storm in the upcoming week. Though I am not sure of what will transpire, I am already preparing myself for the worst.

Meeting AJ has been a bit of a shock to the system. My brain is still trying to adjust to his existence. It's a bit like going out with myself, only he's the male version of basketcase moi and slightly more insane in different parts. I'm not complaining. It just feels completely alien to sit down and talk to someone knowing fully well that he understands. Sure anyone can listen to my mad babbling but I can't say that I'd feel comfortable telling just anyone what's on my befuddled mind. I like knowing he's around. I like knowing that he's an equal. I like knowing that he's a friend. Granted some might say we're a pair of idiots to be rushing into things - exclusive after 2 weeks?! Cue: Shock, horror and people throwing themselves under passing trucks...but none of it felt forced or weird. And that is what throws me. Everything in my cynical brain says this is too good to be true. I'm not supposed to feel this way about someone so quickly. I'm not supposed to fall for someone so stupidly. I'm not supposed to care this much either. And I do admit, there is a part of me that is violently screaming at me to jam the brakes because "You stupid girl, you're just setting yourself up to get your heart broken."

Given how things have turned out the past few days and given that AJ's last message contained another message that came through as clear as a bell, I can only sit here with a heavy heart and quietly deal with it. Yes, nothing has been said officially but I think I know the end is on the cards. So maybe I really am just a stupid girl who's getting her heart broken/shattered. Again.

In the event that my worst fears are indeed manifested, then the only thing I can do is sit back and say, "Hey I tried and I am glad I did because I enjoyed every bloody moment of it even if this is not how I pictured things would be." Don't get me wrong, I'm still a cynic at heart but here's to a fool's hope. Only I already know this fool is going to end up crying soon. :(

Anyway... There have been moments on this trip that have left me in awe, moments of quiet that have left me at one with myself and even moments of frustration that have provided some weird insight into certain situations. I've come to realize that I cannot change history, that loss is part of life, that I need to stop over-analyzing every damn word or situation (massively difficult considering my job), that I need to rein in the insecurities and hyper-sensitive tendencies that cause me to build entire fortresses around myself. In short, I need to be happy with whatever cards I get dealt with -aces, kings or just a humble 3 of spades.

Prior to this trip, I was always wondering if I am just one walking, colossal fuck up. Losing my Dad was the first step towards realizing that the world is not my bloody oyster (am more inclined to think bottom of scummy pond but never mind that...), and that I had to grow up and face the crap that was getting flung in my face. What was I to do? I was 22 and I had lost the one person who meant the world to me. I had no understanding of what pain really meant up until that day. I had no clue what it meant to miss someone until after that episode. At 28, I can tell you that things have changed a lot since then. Yes I miss my father and I always will but I'm thankful for the time I did have with him. It was too short and there were moments that didn't make sense to me and still don't. But the point is, I lived through that, and that means I can live through a lot of other things. It means I'm not a fuck-up for walking away from a 4-year relationship just because I felt the need to look out for myself for once. It also means that I really, really, really need to stop blaming myself for everything and stop thinking that I'm never going to find happiness.

It's not all bad really. I also have a lot to be thankful for. I have my health (even though I will probably die early), I have my family who at times drive me to the point of wanting to commit murder but love me and back me up on every single thing I do, regardless of how insane my ideas may be. I have a solid group of friends who keep me grounded, tell me to piss off when I'm being a prick and are there to offer a shoulder to cry on whenever I need to. My friends have been the backbone of this journey without whom I would not have survived and I'm eternally grateful for every laugh, every hug, every phone call and every day that they exist in my life. I sometimes feel like I don't deserve them because I'm an undeserving little shit.

I also happen to have an awesome job, one I've waited years to get into and one that makes me want to put my heart into it. Throw in an awesome bunch of colleagues who will weather the stupidest situations with you and you'll realize that I can't ask for much else. Yes, it gets stressful and yes, there are moments when I want to rip people's heads off or sit in a corner and cry but those are just passing clouds in an otherwise glorious landscape.

With all that said, there's really not much else. The world is much bigger than me and my problems. I need to take more risks, understand that I'm going to land on my feet regardless of how bad a situation may be and trust myself enough to not always be blaming my idiotic self for each and every fuck-up. I know now that there will be some answers in life that I will never get, and perhaps those things are better left unknown. I also know that I've lived through enough shitty, painful and even cruel moments in my 28 years to come out of everything as a bigger and better person. I can't change my past. Mistakes are part of life. If I never made those mistakes, I probably wouldn't be sitting here writing this.

There's still a long way to go but my outlook on the future is a positive one. As a person, I've grown and changed, hopefully for the better. But I'm still a work-in-progress. :) So here's to having a little faith - in myself, in life and in all that is to come.

Update: Things between AJ and myself did not work out and we're going our own ways. The image in this post is that of my first tattoo - which I got done on my 28th birthday. It's the Mandarin character for the word 'Faith'. :)

White

If I had to describe the past 5 days of my life in one sentence, this would be it - It has been absolute wank.

Now I know I've just returned from holiday and technically I should be all zen and one with the universe all that other bollocks. Don't get me wrong. In many ways, I am totally zen and chilled out. The trip achieved what it had to. I've got some new perspectives, my body and brain are renewed and refreshed and I've come to some pertinent realizations. Alas, the journey back home from Madrid via Dubai was a mission in itself. Nightmare does not begin to describe it. Let's just say that I screamed at customs officials, got my flight totally messed up, did not sleep for 24 hours and came awfully close to being thrown into a middle-eastern jail.

The reason for my current disgruntled state can be attributed to one person and one person alone. Up until last weekend, everything with AJ was fine and dandy. We were talking regularly, keeping in touch via text, email and other modern technological conveniences. That was until we had a Skype conversation on Sunday afternoon whilst I was in Barcelona.

Considering that I had been running around Europe like a teenager on smack, I was at the point where I was getting physically tired, missing home and getting frustrated with my travel mate. I managed to get hold of AJ on Skype on Sunday and we had a little chat about well, not much really. It was just the general banter, 'What have you been up to? How are you feeling? What's the plan for the coming week etc.'

The convo turned out to be a double-edged sword. I was well cranky and being a little bitch (no point hiding anything here). And he was hungover and nursing a badly sprained ankle after bringing the dog out for a walk at 4:30am the previous night with one too many jaeger bombs in his system, resulting in him going over his ankle and basically fucking it.

Now common sense should tell you that two people of the above description should probably not engage in any sort of conversation as it would probably result in some sort of disaster regardless of how amicable their relationship may be. Guess what? It was an absolute bloody disaster indeed.

Without having to go too much into detail, let me just summarize by saying that the conversation did not go well and ended rather abruptly. After both parties had logged off, I sat and stared at the screen for a considerable period of time and then came to the conclusion that I had acted like a complete twat and was well out of order with some of the things I had said and proceeded to send a text to AJ apologizing for my abjectly stupid behaviour during the convo.

I got no response. Until about 12 hours later...

When I saw his reply, I was slightly miffed. I did not deign to respond immediately. Firstly I was running to catch my train to Granada from the Madrid terminal and secondly, the tone of the text put me on edge. Given that I was still in a semi-vicious mood, I decided it was best to leave it lest I replied with something snarky and have the whole situation go pear-shaped.

En route to Granada, I observed a man on the train. I was highly fascinated by his hair and his left hand. That was all I could see. Curious to know whether his facial appearance would do justice to what appeared to be pretty awesome hair and left hand, I waited till the train reached my destination before I got a proper look at his face. Boy was I disappointed. Upon checking into my hotel, I proceeded to post a cheeky FB status update regarding Carlos (yes, that was his name, gleaned from his laptop screen, from which he was emailing throughout the ride). Little did I know that my little tongue-in-cheek update would be misconstrued in the most magnificently idiotic manner possible by the ONE person who should have known better.

It was AJ's birthday on Tuesday. I sent him at text from Europe wishing him at midnight back home. Again, I got no response. In that text I said I would ring him once I was up in the morning.

The next morning, as I excitedly prepared to call AJ whilst my travel mate was in the shower, I saw a FB message from him that stopped me dead in my tracks. Without having to explain everything, here are excerpts of that message that left me thoroughly bewildered.

From AJ:

Hey hun!

Thanks for the text message...! I was a little suprised by it if I'm honest so all good...

Well yes, I apologise for not writing yesterday, I thought it best to grab a bit of breathing space... As I've been having a marvellously grand headfuck since sunday, and I can tell you something similar over the last few days...

Also, to make matters more fun, I've got to work this weekend, and also have family passing thru...
But basically, I doubt that were gonna be able to catch up until next week, which is a bit of a pain....

Sorry for being negative in this!! I've tried to keep as positive as possible for a while now!!! And timing of visitors I know is a complete pain!!

Also, I'm not sure of your rationale behind the carlos status update thing.... As you say to me, you work in pr so if there is an undertone of some sort their, then fair enough.....

Anyways, have fun and catch you soon

X

Oh great. What the fuck is all that about?

Firstly, why should you be surprised that I sent you a HB text? We ARE dating after all. Did something change along the way and people you date aren't meant to wish you on your birthday?

Secondly, it's amazing how your family and friends decide to pass through on the weekend when I am due back in the country...the very same weekend you specifically wanted to spend with me.

Thirdly, what on earth are you trying to keep positive about? And why the hell are you headfucked?

Fourthly, you're bothered about the Carlos update? Are you for real???

Reading that message (I didn't post all of it here), left me in a bit of a shock. My first reaction was to get extremely upset. I put my phone down and made the immediate decision to NOT ring him as planned. Thereafter I drafted a response to that highly aggravating message and sent it. My reply was in no way impolite. It merely acknowledged his weekend plans and provided an explanation to the ludicrous Carlos update.

Again, I had to wait 24 hours for a reply. Well, considering it was his birthday that day, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Came his reply: (Cue more aggravation)


Erm.....

well if i'm honest that response was a bit unexpected in its tone and what it says! No need to apologise... its ok.... But theres not much I can say off the back of the above either....

Really. REAAAALLLY? How the hell does one react to this without wanting to scream?

Annoyed with all this wishy-washyness, I decided to grab the bull by the horns.

From me:
Ok...

Unexpected? Sorry I think your email was unexpected. Please explain the following:

1. Why were you headfucked? (I don't care if I'm on bloody holiday. It's been bothering me for the past 24 hours.)

2. Why in the world would you think the Carlos post meant anything at all?

3. Why was my text to you saying HB such a surprise?

Got to run. But I'd really appreciate those answers. X


He didn't make me wait overnight this time. I got a reply within 8 hours. Alas, it didn't help soothe my ruffled feathers at all.

From AJ:
Don't take this the wrong way, and I really don't want you to think I'm a twat!! That is the last thing I would want.... But I don't really want to explain that in detail over an email.. as it would take an age and its also probably best if I actually talked that through with you face to face... As there are a few reasons... I have re-read a lot of our email exchange and also contemplated a fuck load over the last few days.... which has kind of altered my mindset a lot... which is shit I know... a lot of it has to do with me, and maybe you are right about certain things, and a little with you, which again I would rather talk through than email about...

Blah...blah...blah...blah...blah...

Safe journey hun both around Madrid and also home.... I don't expect a response to this email, so don't worry about that... But yeah we do need to have what will no doubt be a rubbish talk next week.... If I don't hear from you I'll drop you a text over the weekend to check if your alive and made it back safe...

:(

I sent one last response after that message. Thereafter, I got no replies. He did send me a couple of texts when he found out I was stranded and livid in Dubai thanks my epic rant on FB. I got home eventually and spent the weekend pretty much on my own with a bottle of whiskey, a pack of cigarettes, my thoughts, a few tears and my bed. (It had to be done.) All that time, I didn't hear a peep from the feller.

Went in to work today, still none the wiser about the ongoing idiocy and decided that I should just focus on work when suddenly my phone went off around lunchtime.



Why am I so civil? WHY???




I didn't bother replying to that last message. I was too peeved off and secondly, I didn't quite know how to react without screaming at him like a banshee. Seriously, you ignore me the whole weekend and then suddenly pop up like a finger up the arse and pretend all is well between us with seemingly "normal" conversation?

Was he not the one who said that we NEED TO TALK??? So if that is the case, then why are you acting like you cannot see the giant mammoth staring us both in the face in the same room???

Can someone tell me why this man is being such a pain? Don't get me wrong. I like him. I like him a lot. Going out with him is like going out with myself only he's more insane in varying degrees but for the first time in a long time I've met someone who is willing to sit down and be frank with me and treat me like a human without being condescending. And into that nice little scenario, he has thrown one hell of a monkey wrench making me wonder how one fucking Skype conversation can result in the man thinking, changing his mind and suddenly feeling the need to discuss 'us'. It's like the electricity suddenly came back on after the power tripped.

I've been given differing opinions about the situation with the few people that I have discussed this with. The general sentiment is that yes, the both of you need to sit down and talk and find out what the hell is going on with all of this rubbish. However, I am highly inclined to believe this 'talk' is going to end up being another episode of 'I'm sorry babe, but I don't know what I want and I think we should stop seeing each other.' If that is indeed the reality of it, then fine. I will deal with that graciously because at least he has the balls to tell me to my face and be polite about it. On the other hand, if it is not the case and he really just needs to air some issues out, there's no guarantee that I will not be the on who throws the towel in. The thought has crossed my mind already and I have given it some serious thought.

The truth is, I want to go out with someone who doesn't do my head in. And this is fucking my head up a bit too much for my liking.

I've got to keep it simple.