White

If I had to describe the past 5 days of my life in one sentence, this would be it - It has been absolute wank.

Now I know I've just returned from holiday and technically I should be all zen and one with the universe all that other bollocks. Don't get me wrong. In many ways, I am totally zen and chilled out. The trip achieved what it had to. I've got some new perspectives, my body and brain are renewed and refreshed and I've come to some pertinent realizations. Alas, the journey back home from Madrid via Dubai was a mission in itself. Nightmare does not begin to describe it. Let's just say that I screamed at customs officials, got my flight totally messed up, did not sleep for 24 hours and came awfully close to being thrown into a middle-eastern jail.

The reason for my current disgruntled state can be attributed to one person and one person alone. Up until last weekend, everything with AJ was fine and dandy. We were talking regularly, keeping in touch via text, email and other modern technological conveniences. That was until we had a Skype conversation on Sunday afternoon whilst I was in Barcelona.

Considering that I had been running around Europe like a teenager on smack, I was at the point where I was getting physically tired, missing home and getting frustrated with my travel mate. I managed to get hold of AJ on Skype on Sunday and we had a little chat about well, not much really. It was just the general banter, 'What have you been up to? How are you feeling? What's the plan for the coming week etc.'

The convo turned out to be a double-edged sword. I was well cranky and being a little bitch (no point hiding anything here). And he was hungover and nursing a badly sprained ankle after bringing the dog out for a walk at 4:30am the previous night with one too many jaeger bombs in his system, resulting in him going over his ankle and basically fucking it.

Now common sense should tell you that two people of the above description should probably not engage in any sort of conversation as it would probably result in some sort of disaster regardless of how amicable their relationship may be. Guess what? It was an absolute bloody disaster indeed.

Without having to go too much into detail, let me just summarize by saying that the conversation did not go well and ended rather abruptly. After both parties had logged off, I sat and stared at the screen for a considerable period of time and then came to the conclusion that I had acted like a complete twat and was well out of order with some of the things I had said and proceeded to send a text to AJ apologizing for my abjectly stupid behaviour during the convo.

I got no response. Until about 12 hours later...

When I saw his reply, I was slightly miffed. I did not deign to respond immediately. Firstly I was running to catch my train to Granada from the Madrid terminal and secondly, the tone of the text put me on edge. Given that I was still in a semi-vicious mood, I decided it was best to leave it lest I replied with something snarky and have the whole situation go pear-shaped.

En route to Granada, I observed a man on the train. I was highly fascinated by his hair and his left hand. That was all I could see. Curious to know whether his facial appearance would do justice to what appeared to be pretty awesome hair and left hand, I waited till the train reached my destination before I got a proper look at his face. Boy was I disappointed. Upon checking into my hotel, I proceeded to post a cheeky FB status update regarding Carlos (yes, that was his name, gleaned from his laptop screen, from which he was emailing throughout the ride). Little did I know that my little tongue-in-cheek update would be misconstrued in the most magnificently idiotic manner possible by the ONE person who should have known better.

It was AJ's birthday on Tuesday. I sent him at text from Europe wishing him at midnight back home. Again, I got no response. In that text I said I would ring him once I was up in the morning.

The next morning, as I excitedly prepared to call AJ whilst my travel mate was in the shower, I saw a FB message from him that stopped me dead in my tracks. Without having to explain everything, here are excerpts of that message that left me thoroughly bewildered.

From AJ:

Hey hun!

Thanks for the text message...! I was a little suprised by it if I'm honest so all good...

Well yes, I apologise for not writing yesterday, I thought it best to grab a bit of breathing space... As I've been having a marvellously grand headfuck since sunday, and I can tell you something similar over the last few days...

Also, to make matters more fun, I've got to work this weekend, and also have family passing thru...
But basically, I doubt that were gonna be able to catch up until next week, which is a bit of a pain....

Sorry for being negative in this!! I've tried to keep as positive as possible for a while now!!! And timing of visitors I know is a complete pain!!

Also, I'm not sure of your rationale behind the carlos status update thing.... As you say to me, you work in pr so if there is an undertone of some sort their, then fair enough.....

Anyways, have fun and catch you soon

X

Oh great. What the fuck is all that about?

Firstly, why should you be surprised that I sent you a HB text? We ARE dating after all. Did something change along the way and people you date aren't meant to wish you on your birthday?

Secondly, it's amazing how your family and friends decide to pass through on the weekend when I am due back in the country...the very same weekend you specifically wanted to spend with me.

Thirdly, what on earth are you trying to keep positive about? And why the hell are you headfucked?

Fourthly, you're bothered about the Carlos update? Are you for real???

Reading that message (I didn't post all of it here), left me in a bit of a shock. My first reaction was to get extremely upset. I put my phone down and made the immediate decision to NOT ring him as planned. Thereafter I drafted a response to that highly aggravating message and sent it. My reply was in no way impolite. It merely acknowledged his weekend plans and provided an explanation to the ludicrous Carlos update.

Again, I had to wait 24 hours for a reply. Well, considering it was his birthday that day, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Came his reply: (Cue more aggravation)


Erm.....

well if i'm honest that response was a bit unexpected in its tone and what it says! No need to apologise... its ok.... But theres not much I can say off the back of the above either....

Really. REAAAALLLY? How the hell does one react to this without wanting to scream?

Annoyed with all this wishy-washyness, I decided to grab the bull by the horns.

From me:
Ok...

Unexpected? Sorry I think your email was unexpected. Please explain the following:

1. Why were you headfucked? (I don't care if I'm on bloody holiday. It's been bothering me for the past 24 hours.)

2. Why in the world would you think the Carlos post meant anything at all?

3. Why was my text to you saying HB such a surprise?

Got to run. But I'd really appreciate those answers. X


He didn't make me wait overnight this time. I got a reply within 8 hours. Alas, it didn't help soothe my ruffled feathers at all.

From AJ:
Don't take this the wrong way, and I really don't want you to think I'm a twat!! That is the last thing I would want.... But I don't really want to explain that in detail over an email.. as it would take an age and its also probably best if I actually talked that through with you face to face... As there are a few reasons... I have re-read a lot of our email exchange and also contemplated a fuck load over the last few days.... which has kind of altered my mindset a lot... which is shit I know... a lot of it has to do with me, and maybe you are right about certain things, and a little with you, which again I would rather talk through than email about...

Blah...blah...blah...blah...blah...

Safe journey hun both around Madrid and also home.... I don't expect a response to this email, so don't worry about that... But yeah we do need to have what will no doubt be a rubbish talk next week.... If I don't hear from you I'll drop you a text over the weekend to check if your alive and made it back safe...

:(

I sent one last response after that message. Thereafter, I got no replies. He did send me a couple of texts when he found out I was stranded and livid in Dubai thanks my epic rant on FB. I got home eventually and spent the weekend pretty much on my own with a bottle of whiskey, a pack of cigarettes, my thoughts, a few tears and my bed. (It had to be done.) All that time, I didn't hear a peep from the feller.

Went in to work today, still none the wiser about the ongoing idiocy and decided that I should just focus on work when suddenly my phone went off around lunchtime.



Why am I so civil? WHY???




I didn't bother replying to that last message. I was too peeved off and secondly, I didn't quite know how to react without screaming at him like a banshee. Seriously, you ignore me the whole weekend and then suddenly pop up like a finger up the arse and pretend all is well between us with seemingly "normal" conversation?

Was he not the one who said that we NEED TO TALK??? So if that is the case, then why are you acting like you cannot see the giant mammoth staring us both in the face in the same room???

Can someone tell me why this man is being such a pain? Don't get me wrong. I like him. I like him a lot. Going out with him is like going out with myself only he's more insane in varying degrees but for the first time in a long time I've met someone who is willing to sit down and be frank with me and treat me like a human without being condescending. And into that nice little scenario, he has thrown one hell of a monkey wrench making me wonder how one fucking Skype conversation can result in the man thinking, changing his mind and suddenly feeling the need to discuss 'us'. It's like the electricity suddenly came back on after the power tripped.

I've been given differing opinions about the situation with the few people that I have discussed this with. The general sentiment is that yes, the both of you need to sit down and talk and find out what the hell is going on with all of this rubbish. However, I am highly inclined to believe this 'talk' is going to end up being another episode of 'I'm sorry babe, but I don't know what I want and I think we should stop seeing each other.' If that is indeed the reality of it, then fine. I will deal with that graciously because at least he has the balls to tell me to my face and be polite about it. On the other hand, if it is not the case and he really just needs to air some issues out, there's no guarantee that I will not be the on who throws the towel in. The thought has crossed my mind already and I have given it some serious thought.

The truth is, I want to go out with someone who doesn't do my head in. And this is fucking my head up a bit too much for my liking.

I've got to keep it simple.