There and Back

Note: This post was written on Thursday, 31st March 2011 but there was a delay in putting it up. There is an update right at the end of it too.

And so as I sit at the Madrid airport and contemplate the end of this trip, I've come to several little conclusions. Whether these little ones are tantamount to some big realization is something that is yet to be seen and not something I want to dwell on just yet. (Gotta love denial. Ha!)

I've been fortunate enough to travel around the world since I was a wee thing but this trip was a leap of faith for me. I started on a solo life journey several months ago and a lot has transpired in that time. This trek halfway around the globe is hopefully the end point of that arduous journey - the great issue of finding myself (erm??), finding my peace and dealing with a history that has been nothing short of mind-boggling.

Emotionally I've come a long way. I used to think I'd never trust another person with my heart again. The past 6 months is proof that I have healed in most parts and that I do have it in me to try and trust again. I have only just started to put myself out there and it isn't easy and it hasn't been smooth sailing either. I've been disappointed on some counts and even questioned myself repeatedly just to make sure I know what I'm getting myself into. Life has dealt me many lemons but I can't sit here and cry about it anymore. Fuck the lemons. There's more to this life than my past and I need to live in every borrowed moment I have left.

I know there will be moments of pain/confusion/doubt in the future. Disappointment is definitely on the cards. Even as I write this, my brain is preparing for another storm in the upcoming week. Though I am not sure of what will transpire, I am already preparing myself for the worst.

Meeting AJ has been a bit of a shock to the system. My brain is still trying to adjust to his existence. It's a bit like going out with myself, only he's the male version of basketcase moi and slightly more insane in different parts. I'm not complaining. It just feels completely alien to sit down and talk to someone knowing fully well that he understands. Sure anyone can listen to my mad babbling but I can't say that I'd feel comfortable telling just anyone what's on my befuddled mind. I like knowing he's around. I like knowing that he's an equal. I like knowing that he's a friend. Granted some might say we're a pair of idiots to be rushing into things - exclusive after 2 weeks?! Cue: Shock, horror and people throwing themselves under passing trucks...but none of it felt forced or weird. And that is what throws me. Everything in my cynical brain says this is too good to be true. I'm not supposed to feel this way about someone so quickly. I'm not supposed to fall for someone so stupidly. I'm not supposed to care this much either. And I do admit, there is a part of me that is violently screaming at me to jam the brakes because "You stupid girl, you're just setting yourself up to get your heart broken."

Given how things have turned out the past few days and given that AJ's last message contained another message that came through as clear as a bell, I can only sit here with a heavy heart and quietly deal with it. Yes, nothing has been said officially but I think I know the end is on the cards. So maybe I really am just a stupid girl who's getting her heart broken/shattered. Again.

In the event that my worst fears are indeed manifested, then the only thing I can do is sit back and say, "Hey I tried and I am glad I did because I enjoyed every bloody moment of it even if this is not how I pictured things would be." Don't get me wrong, I'm still a cynic at heart but here's to a fool's hope. Only I already know this fool is going to end up crying soon. :(

Anyway... There have been moments on this trip that have left me in awe, moments of quiet that have left me at one with myself and even moments of frustration that have provided some weird insight into certain situations. I've come to realize that I cannot change history, that loss is part of life, that I need to stop over-analyzing every damn word or situation (massively difficult considering my job), that I need to rein in the insecurities and hyper-sensitive tendencies that cause me to build entire fortresses around myself. In short, I need to be happy with whatever cards I get dealt with -aces, kings or just a humble 3 of spades.

Prior to this trip, I was always wondering if I am just one walking, colossal fuck up. Losing my Dad was the first step towards realizing that the world is not my bloody oyster (am more inclined to think bottom of scummy pond but never mind that...), and that I had to grow up and face the crap that was getting flung in my face. What was I to do? I was 22 and I had lost the one person who meant the world to me. I had no understanding of what pain really meant up until that day. I had no clue what it meant to miss someone until after that episode. At 28, I can tell you that things have changed a lot since then. Yes I miss my father and I always will but I'm thankful for the time I did have with him. It was too short and there were moments that didn't make sense to me and still don't. But the point is, I lived through that, and that means I can live through a lot of other things. It means I'm not a fuck-up for walking away from a 4-year relationship just because I felt the need to look out for myself for once. It also means that I really, really, really need to stop blaming myself for everything and stop thinking that I'm never going to find happiness.

It's not all bad really. I also have a lot to be thankful for. I have my health (even though I will probably die early), I have my family who at times drive me to the point of wanting to commit murder but love me and back me up on every single thing I do, regardless of how insane my ideas may be. I have a solid group of friends who keep me grounded, tell me to piss off when I'm being a prick and are there to offer a shoulder to cry on whenever I need to. My friends have been the backbone of this journey without whom I would not have survived and I'm eternally grateful for every laugh, every hug, every phone call and every day that they exist in my life. I sometimes feel like I don't deserve them because I'm an undeserving little shit.

I also happen to have an awesome job, one I've waited years to get into and one that makes me want to put my heart into it. Throw in an awesome bunch of colleagues who will weather the stupidest situations with you and you'll realize that I can't ask for much else. Yes, it gets stressful and yes, there are moments when I want to rip people's heads off or sit in a corner and cry but those are just passing clouds in an otherwise glorious landscape.

With all that said, there's really not much else. The world is much bigger than me and my problems. I need to take more risks, understand that I'm going to land on my feet regardless of how bad a situation may be and trust myself enough to not always be blaming my idiotic self for each and every fuck-up. I know now that there will be some answers in life that I will never get, and perhaps those things are better left unknown. I also know that I've lived through enough shitty, painful and even cruel moments in my 28 years to come out of everything as a bigger and better person. I can't change my past. Mistakes are part of life. If I never made those mistakes, I probably wouldn't be sitting here writing this.

There's still a long way to go but my outlook on the future is a positive one. As a person, I've grown and changed, hopefully for the better. But I'm still a work-in-progress. :) So here's to having a little faith - in myself, in life and in all that is to come.

Update: Things between AJ and myself did not work out and we're going our own ways. The image in this post is that of my first tattoo - which I got done on my 28th birthday. It's the Mandarin character for the word 'Faith'. :)