No Promises

People ask me why I smoke.

Well, I picked up smoking because I was betrayed. Up until the age of 18, I had no idea what it meant to have your trust broken and your belief in another human shattered. Sure, I had faced disappointments before but losing out in a track and field meet or finding out that your Dad’s sister hated your guts for no apparent reason was not quite the same as being betrayed for the first time.

I had just returned from holiday in Europe after about a month. My then boyfriend had gone on holiday prior to my departure. He returned home after I had left my hols so altogether, we hadn’t seen each other for close to two months. Ten years ago, at 18, we couldn’t afford cellphones. Pagers were the in-thing at the time and neither of us had the luxury of having a laptop with remote access to the Internet to email each other either. If memory serves correct, I was still using a 56kbps dial-up at home on my first desktop. Either way, over those 2 months, contact and conversations between us were very few and far between.

When I returned home after my holiday, I shortly found out that the then boyfriend had cheated on me during my absence. Worst of all, I knew the girl too. We were mutual friends and all studying in the same faculty. My heart broke. My trust for him and our relationship no longer existed and for the first time in my life, I understood the meaning of the word betrayal. If you ask me why it was such a big deal well, quite simply, he was the first guy I ever fell in love with. I knew not of such emotion, feeling or happiness until we got together and he took all of that away with one impulsive decision.

The next few weeks following the revelation were intense. I didn’t eat. I subsisted on Vitasoy (for my foreign readers, Vitasoy is a soya bean based drink) and nothing much else. Then one day, for some reason I felt compelled to do something damaging. So I went to the nearest store, bought my first pack of cigarettes, a lighter and went down the street, lighting my very first cigarette, taking my first few drags, thinking that I would never trust another human with my heart ever again.

That tumultuous relationship lasted a lot longer afterwards. Over the course of 3 years, he cheated on me a total of 3 times, with 3 different girls. Yes, I was stupid, naïve and most tellingly, desperate enough to stick with him throughout all of that. Like they say, third time lucky eh?

Ten years on, I still smoke. I’m not a hardcore smoker by a mile but I haven’t made a conscious effort to try and quit either. Though I have forgiven my then boyfriend for whatever has happened in the past, my cigarettes remind me of how easy it is to have your emotions trampled on and flung out the window like confetti. Even when I was with D - probably the only other man whom I have ever had any real feelings for - I never felt any compulsion to give up smoking. Somehow, over the years, with my constantly growing and renewed cynicism, perhaps the only thing that has remained constant is the fact that I have no qualms about reaching for my cigarettes and lighting up.

I am in no way an advocate of the habit and I just want to make it clear that my decision to not kick the habit is purely a personal one. I can go without cigarettes for days but I have come to realise that my desire to step out and light up is usually fuelled by some sort of emotional or mental distress – work, friends, family, personal life etc. And because until today, I cannot forget the feeling of betrayal.

And that is why I smoke.

P.S. On the subject of D, I went home last night to discover that he had sent over an entire box of my personal belongings that I had left behind in his apartment, many, many, many months (we’re talking a year +++ here), ago when we split up. Frankly I had given up all hope on ever seeing those things again. Anyway, they have been returned after all this time, and I do not know the motivation behind the action because we are not on speaking terms. I am inclined to think that perhaps he has a new partner that he has asked to move in with him, or maybe he’s just finally decided to move on. Whatever the case, I hope he is well and I wish him nothing but joy and happiness in the future.

We're all lions. Well, not quite.

Remember the cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz? I have this theory that at some point in all our lives, every one of us gets like that character. In fact, it probably happens quite often but we just never stop to think long enough about it.

Fear brings out the worst in people. Mankind's history is riddled with examples. People fear change. People fear the unknown. People fear that tomorrow will result in a lack of something. People fear loss. People fear rejection. People fear death. People fear bloody people.

Okay so those things all sound like big ticket items, none of which you think are relevant to you. Let me make it more bite-sized then.

When's the last time you stood up for something you believed in? Be it religion, be it a school of thought, be it an opinion of yours... just how many times have you stood up for something that had meaning to you? It doesn't have to be dramatic but if you disagree with someone at work and you believe that your opinion counts for something, do you stand up and say, "Sod all of this, I don't buy this bullshit and this is why" or do you just swallow your pride, nod mutely in total agreement with whoever is lording the alternative over your head and just go with the rest of the herd? Guilty of the latter? Sure you are. I am too. Hooray! Let's throw a party for the losers eh? :)

How about a different example. Like staying in relationship that you know is unhealthy and bad for you in the long run. Sure, you've been together a while and sure, it's all good on the outside but you know there's issues underneath. Your partner may have cheated on you and you decided to stay on even though you've been horribly hurt and you know things will never quite be the same. Or you know that your feelings for your partner are no longer the same and it's getting hard to pretend that everything is all fine and dandy but you just can't bring yourself to say it out loud and deal with the matter. Or you've been together so bloody long that you can't even recall how you even met but he/she doesn't want to take to the next level and you know that you want to do something about it because God knows, it plagues you even in your dreams but you choose to sit there like a deaf/dumb/blind statue all because you have no idea what the consequences will be and you're mighty frightened about any or all possibilities. Guilty? Oh yes, me too. Guilty of being too fearful to take action. Guilty of being too afraid to make a decision. Guilty of not being honest with oneself. Guilty of being so, so, scared that pissing in your pants seems like a less formidable option.

Right, how about I flip the picture around. Ever liked someone but never had the courage to tell the person? Why? Afraid of being rejected of course. Ever wanted to put your hand up and say, "I can do this. Let me do it", but you never raised your skinny arm up because you were afraid of having a bunch of people pointing and bellowing with laughter at your machismo? Ever thought of giving up the everyday grind and going to travel the world, living on a shoestring budget but chucked the idea because, "Oh my god...what if...you know...what if..?!" Yeah what bloody if, indeed.

I suppose 9 out of 10 people who read this will go, "You don't understand. We've been together so long and I love my partner. It's not easy." Sure. Of course it isn't. I'm not asking you to walk out on your relationship. All I'm saying is, grow some balls and deal with the situation. How will you know if there is anything worth salvaging if you're not even sticking one toe into the pond to test the water?

And then I suppose another 9 out of 10 people who read this will go, "You don't understand. I can't stand up during the meeting and say all these things because I'll lose my job and everyone will pelt me with their tuna sandwiches." Really? Do you really know that to happen or is that just a fantasy scenario that you conjured up on one of your more creative days? Again, my point is, if you don't try, how will you sodding know if people will really react that way?

Oh and of course the final 9 out of 10 people who read this will go, "You don't understand. I cannot go up to so-and-so-person-whom-I-care-about-immensely-but-have-never-spoken-more-than-three-words-to-in-the-past-5-years and tell her/him how I feel because...tsk, just look at him/her! I'm not good enough. He/She will never fancy moi!" Seriously, this warrants being clubbed on the head repeatedly with a full pencil case.

Whatever your reasons may be, big or small, valid or invalid, reasonable or just plain stupid, I am sure you have all those reasons in place because of some type of fear. And of course you're entitled to them, entitled to live with them too like a bag of spiders you lug around... and you can grant yourself an occasional peek into the spider-bag and freak out once in a while too. It's your choice and ultimately your life but just think of how different things might be if only you could deal with those spiders.

Courage dear hearts, courage. You owe it to no one but yourselves.