Let Me Entertain You

Well, this one is a bit long overdue. Remember I mentioned something weird happening on the night I found out about Spooner and the barmaid? Well, I was about to go to sleep when my phone vibrated next to my head. It was good old Tomski with another proposition. And for the uninitiated, my responses are the ones in the green bubble. Sorry, I can't tolerate bad English even in text messages. Yes, I am anal about that so shut up. :)



Funny how he gets defensive when I asked if he was on holiday? I guess asking valid questions is out of fashion these days. Anyway...



No, I have no qualms saying, "Go wank." Really.



Uhmm... No Tomski, it doesn't take a genius to figure out what you wanted from me. But I can never resist an opportunity to take the piss. ;)
In any case, here's the clincher...



And just in case you're wondering, nothing happened that night and he has not pursued the matter either.

Can we kick it? Oh yes, we can. ;)

Cooler Than You

And so I once dated an asshole called Spooner
Should have checked the stars because he turned out to be a loser
It started off fun - dinner, drinks and snogs
Didn't realize til later that he was just a frog

Football is his thing, a die-hard fan of the Hammers
Used to ask me to stay the weekend and told me to bring my jammers
Listens to rap, hip-hop and drum and bass
Seems like the white boy is trying to make up for a horrific face
'Word up motherfucker!' is his favourite refrain
Yeah, the Wigga clearly has something missing in the brain

Used to drink beer, smoke fags and cheeky spliffs on weekends
I played along thinking that it'd do me good to move any way the wind bends
That was until I found out about the mystery trip
The one that involved Horseface's 'lovely' tits and made me flip
Split up shortly after, "Don't know what I want" he said
Bothered me for a while but then it's no loss because he was crap in bed

Heard through the grapevine that he hits on waitresses now
The man is so desperate that I'm sure he'll even shag a cow
Got wind that he thinks the women in my country aren't very interesting
He obviously hasn't heard himself talk - I'll tell you he's fucking boring
I guess he thinks he's just too cool for skool
What he doesn't know is that he's just a big, old fool

So I'm taking bets to say he'll never settle down
Probably run to Phuket someday and marry one of the locals for a pound
Or maybe he'll scoot back to home to wonderous Essex
Where the girls are about as bright and interesting as a jar of wax

Things that make you go 'Hmm...'

Drama follows me.

I swear I've been trying to be good and have kept my head ducked quite a fair bit lately so that I can avoid all the weird-ass moments that seem to follow me around like a bunch of ghouls. Turns out the ghouls are thinking strategically and calling me at my own bluff.

My brother decided to go out last night. He ended up at Muddies. (Why my dear feller?! Why???!!!) Now we all know that there's no love lost between my brother and Spooner even though the both of them have never met. My brother has been privy to all the flaky, insane, mad, dastardly behaviour that has ensued since the time of the split and the his general sentiment is that he wants to kick the beejeezus out of the motherfucker until he can't remember his own name. Hence, my brother showing up at Muddies on the eve of a public holiday was nothing short of a disaster waiting to happen.

Last night, I was home, sitting in front of the telly, clad in my jammys, thinking of nothing in particular when around half past midnight, my phone goes off with the caller ID flashing that my brother was calling. I picked up and then this happened...

Bro: He's HERE. *violent hiss*
Me: Waa? Who? WHAT?
Bro: Am at Muddies. The FUCKER is here. *insert more violent hiss*
Me: OH. Shit. (My brain clicked about half a second later than I wanted it to.)
Bro: Yes. Am outside having a fag. Fucker is in the corner with some tiny chick. She's a waitress here. Snogging.
Me: Oh okay. (You're allowed to snog customers when you're at work? That's a first?!)
Bro: BASTARD. She's Filipino. *rage is evident in the voice*
Me: Right. I want you to go back inside to your friends. DO NOT SAY OR DO ANYTHING! *crossing fingers, toes, everything*
Bro: But I want to kick him!
Me: No! I know you do... I do too but trust me. Leave it be.
Bro: Okay. I'm going. This is making me sick.

After he clicked off I put the phone down on the table and gave it a malevolent glare. Really. This is not what I wanted/needed. I smoked a fag and lost all interest in the movie I was watching with my brain in overdrive. I picked my phone back up and logged into Spooner's FB account. (Yes, I have access so technically I am not hacking. :P) Call it instinct, or say it was the devil on my shoulder egging me on. I did it and what I saw left me utterly speechless.

There was a series of private messages between Spooner and the waitress going on. I was thoroughly bewildered. These are two people who as far as I knew, were in same place at the same time, so why the hell were they messaging each other through Facebook? Secondly, have you idiots not heard of text messages?!

Now, as much as I am tempted to post images of the conversation up here, I will refrain from doing so. However, I am not THAT scrupulous particularly when it comes to mega fuckwits so I will post the content of the exchange between Spooner and the waitress as I saw it.

__________________________________________________
Message 1: 0024 hrs - From waitress to Spooner
hahaha! house party???

Message 2: 0048 hrs - From Spooner to waitress
Just me and u :) - coming

Message 3: 0054 hrs - From waitress to Spooner
is it a "date"?? haha!

naahhh.. Sorry hun, i got exam tom. i have to study.. see u on sat? ;)

Message 4: 0102 hrs - From Spooner to waitress
Stay at mine and study tomorrow...

Message 5: 0115 hrs - From waitress to Spooner
such a sweetie...

next time hun.. okey? i need to pass it, else i'll be fucked up.. haha! xx

Message 6: 0152 hrs - From Spooner to waitress
Come on babe

Message 7: 0156 hrs - From waitress to Spooner
aahhh... sorry hun..

i'm tired.. =(
next time, ok?

see u when i see u..

Message 8: 0205 hrs - From Spooner to waitress
Am tired... come sleep with me :)

Message 9: 0252 hrs - From waitress to Spooner
so go to bed and sleep..

nightynight.. sweetest dream.. xx

__________________________________________________

Feel free to let me know when you're done throwing up/ pulling your hair out/ screaming in horror/ rubbing the gooseflesh on your arms after you've read that.

I don't blame you. I was swinging between being thoroughly disgusted to completely bemused when I went through the exchange. I assure you that ALL of what I have just mentioned is true. I have screenshots to prove it. Oh clever, clever me. Anyway, halfway through exchange, where Spooner tries for the second time to get her to come home with him, I rang my brother back.

Bro: Yeah?
Me: You still there?
Bro: *growling* Unfortunately yes. What's going on?
Me: He's trying to bring her home.
Bro: WHAAAAT?!?!?
Me: Yes, they are PM-ing each other on FB as we speak.
Bro: Oh fuck... FUCK... this is sick. She's so young!
Me:Hardly. She's 26.
Bro: *groaning* Twat... twat... what a desperate twat...
Me: Oh for sure.
Bro: He's outside. She's running around serving but yeah, the phone's in her hand.
Me: Do me a favour. Leave. Leave after you finish your drink.
Bro: I will. I definitely will. I'm sorry. This is making me absolutely livid.
Me: Thank you but it's not worth me having to bail you out.
Bro: I'm sorry. You don't deserve this.
Me: I know. Chill. I'm okay. Just come home safe.
Bro: Okay... bye.

My brother left before Spooner left. However judging from the exchange, I am assuming he never succeeded with the waitress. Not that I care. This is a sure sign of someone on the rebound. It's a classic case. I've been there myself. Alas, at least I am smart enough to know that it takes two to tango, even horizontally.

I went to bed at about 2 am. However, just as I was about to shut my eyes, my phone went off and another weird thing happened. I am going to save that update for tomorrow's post actually. I think this one is a bit of nightmare to process already.

Funny thing is, the first thing Spooner did this morning is delete the entire exchange of messages from his inbox and sent items.

Oh and the waitress has two kids.

Hmmm... Infuckingdeed.