And so I once dated an asshole called Spooner
Should have checked the stars because he turned out to be a loser
It started off fun - dinner, drinks and snogs
Didn't realize til later that he was just a frog
Football is his thing, a die-hard fan of the Hammers
Used to ask me to stay the weekend and told me to bring my jammers
Listens to rap, hip-hop and drum and bass
Seems like the white boy is trying to make up for a horrific face
'Word up motherfucker!' is his favourite refrain
Yeah, the Wigga clearly has something missing in the brain
Used to drink beer, smoke fags and cheeky spliffs on weekends
I played along thinking that it'd do me good to move any way the wind bends
That was until I found out about the mystery trip
The one that involved Horseface's 'lovely' tits and made me flip
Split up shortly after, "Don't know what I want" he said
Bothered me for a while but then it's no loss because he was crap in bed
Heard through the grapevine that he hits on waitresses now
The man is so desperate that I'm sure he'll even shag a cow
Got wind that he thinks the women in my country aren't very interesting
He obviously hasn't heard himself talk - I'll tell you he's fucking boring
I guess he thinks he's just too cool for skool
What he doesn't know is that he's just a big, old fool
So I'm taking bets to say he'll never settle down
Probably run to Phuket someday and marry one of the locals for a pound
Or maybe he'll scoot back to home to wonderous Essex
Where the girls are about as bright and interesting as a jar of wax
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