Jelly Legs

Why haven't I written?

Well, I've been too busy having glorious amounts of sex.
(Make of that what you will. :) Ha!)

Now, I know for a fact that there are two types of men in bed. Ones that make you go, "Oh dear Lord, what is he doing?!" and then there's the second category that makes you go, "Oh dear Lord, what is he doing?!"

Hands up all of you who think the first reaction is a positive one? Ah. Sorry to disappoint folks but that's not a good sign if a woman is lying on her back, staring straight up at the ceiling wondering what that creature, droid, uhm... person on top of her is trying to accomplish with the monotonous thrusting whilst simultaneously sweating on you and flaring his nose like a racehorse that makes watching the Tour De France on your sofa seem like an extreme sport in comparison.

I've had my fair share of deadbeats in bed. I am starting to wonder if there is a select species of men who think that just sticking themselves inside a woman and pumping themselves to orgasm is the be-all and end-all of sex. In return, I admit to having had to fake a number of orgasms in my lifetime just so that the whole sorry episode will end, THAT much quicker.

For example:

Useless specimen: Have you cum yet babe? (Still thrursting madly.)
Me: Uhh... yeah babe. Mmm... (Christ, are you serious?!)
Useless specimen: Really? You sure? (Add panting to wild thrusting.)
Me: Yeah babe. In fact I'm going to...again...right now. (Cue: Moaning and weird face-pulling and subtle eye-rolling and the mental screaming of, "Hurry the fuck up!")

Now, common sense should dictate that if you have to ASK a woman if she has hit orgasm yet, then 9 out of 10 times, the answer is, "No you moron. I haven't. So you jolly well be doing something about it." Seriously, how can you NOT know when she's had one? Where were you when it was happening? Greece?! So if you really feel compelled to ask, I suggest you better be asking because you're planning to give her one (or three) as opposed to asking out of 'courtesy' so you can take it as indirect permission to let your swimmers loose.

Alas, we all know common sense is a tall order. Oh dear Lord, what is he doing? GAH.

I suppose the next question lurking in most filthy minds is to whether size matters. Well, I am going to go out on a limb here and declare once and for all... IT DOES NOT.

There. I said it. And truth be told, it really doesn't. Sure, if you're well-endowed, we ain't going to complain. The only time we'd freak out is if you pulled out a garden hose from your boxers or if your erection fails to give a box of mints a run for its money. In those two instances, yes size matters. But for very different reasons. Seriously, garden hoses are dangerous. Mints are meant to be kept in your pocket and if you're weapon of mass desolation destruction can't compete with a box of Ricola pearls, then maybe you need psychological help. Plus a little blue pill?

But let's face it. There are guys with gloriously thick, long plonkers and there are those who aren't quite so gloriously thick and long. Hey, it takes all sorts to make the world go round. At the end of the day, he could have an appendage the size of the Empire State Building and still be a complete dud in bed. As I said, if you're built like King Kong, then hurrah! But if you're not, it doesn't mean you need to resort to swatting airplanes in mid-air, thumping your chest is fury and then getting shot repeatedly until you topple 10,000 feet down. (I really need to stop watching that movie.)

Most women I know will collectively agree that it's not what you have but how you use it. And here's a little fact. Most women do not orgasm from penetration at all. *GASP*

There's a simple reason for this. The nerve endings in a woman's genital area are all outside the little magic tunnel. Hence your focus should not just be all about the wham-bam but everything around it. I've had the good fortune to have had a couple of experiences that have driven this theory home (call it heaven), and am a firm believer that you can make a woman want to climb the walls (out of pure ecstasy of course) without bringing a knob anywhere near her. Tried. Tested. Bought the t-shirt.

And the best part is, once a woman gets to that point, she'll want more. She'll beg for it. Her legs will be weak, wobbly and feel like jelly but she'll be begging for you to please, please, pleeease shag her brains out. That would be the part where you, as the manly man should deny her (only for about 10 minutes), and then proceed to quite willingly shag her like a (insert preferred adjective here) to the point where she's lying on her back thinking, "Oh dear Lord, what is he doing?"

Try it over the weekend.
;)