Trying to give-up something is sometimes a lot harder than I would like it to be. Look at me - can't and don't want to give up smoking, can't and don't want to give up alcohol, can't and don't know how to get out of what can only be described as a dysfunctional 'relationship' situation. Oh yes, I am a wreck, in more ways than one.
I've often been in the position to give my friends emotional counsel especially where matters of the heart are concerned. Alas, I am the worse type of physician there can be because I have an awful lot of trouble trying to swallow a dose of my own medication.
You see, I have rarely been in the situation of being the 'dumper' when it comes to ending a relationship. I have no qualms admitting that I have been very much plonked into the 'dumpee' position more often times than I can care to remember. Does this make me a pushover? No. It's more a case of wrong guy, wrong time, wrong place all at once. I admit to not having been wise with my previous choices but therein lies the beauty of hindsight and experience.
Having been in and out (mostly in) in what many will call a serious relationship for over 3 years now, I seem to have reached a major crossroads. The question is not 'What next?' as many would expect from a long-term relationship but 'How do I get out of this?'
Whilst you sit in your chair and lurch in horror at that statement, let me clarify that this is not a fly by night statement but an issue that has been plaguing me for many months now. Of course, you're bound to ask the usual questions - Is there someone else? Nope. Is he cheating? Nope. Are you happy? Nope. (Surprise!) Is he awful? Nope. Are you insane? Possibly. Do you love him? Yes but not enough.
So what is the problem? The problem is that this relationship is no longer what it is meant to be - a relationship. It has become a situation where two people who have known each other for an extended period of time fall into a monotonous routine that is boring, suffocating and far from enriching to either party. Put it this way, when we meet we end up talking (more like bitching) about work, discussing the few mutual friends we have, planning what to eat or watching tv in an almost ascetic silence. In the absence of a tv, we end up staring into the distance with a look that suggests we're contemplating something and nothing at the same time. Multiply this scenario by two weekdays and every weekend of your life and you'd get a faint understanding of what this is all about.
Before you jump to the conclusion that it is just one big boring repetition of same story but different day, let me clarify that there have been/are ups and downs too. However, despite the closeness, the time spent together and the supposed connection that we share, I spend a lot my time fretting and asking myself why I feel empty. The hardest part is not figuring out why. It's the 'Oh shit, what do I do now?' that bothers the crap out of me.
Most sensible people will very sensibly tell me that I should sit down with the other person and have a sensible conversation and tell him that things aren't working out. Problem is, these issues are rarely ever sensible to begin with and even harder to be sensibly dealt with. Plus throw in the fact that the partner has a tendency to go ballistic at the slightest indication of your departure. Even mentioning it is taboo because he will turn around and make you feel vile about the whole thing despite you saying "It's not you, it's ALL MY FAULT."
No one likes being the bad person in any given situation. Okay, except maybe Hannibal Lectre but that's a moot point. The point is, no one likes to deal with break-ups regardless of whether one is the 'dumper' or 'dumpee'. Either way, it sucks. If you've always thought that being on the receiving end sucks, then imagine the person who is sitting there telling you that 'it's all over' because he/she knows full well that you're going to cry, be upset and basically hate him/her and label him/her a #*%&!@(&$)%#()#!! bastard/bitch/asshole/slut/ingrate (delete where applicable).
So what am I going to do? I don't have a clue. I admit to being a spineless worm in this situation. I've been given tons of advice by members of both sexes with varying experiences of the 'dumper'-'dumpee' situation and I am none the wiser. But needs must and all that good stuff, I need to get out of this rut before my heart turns to complete grot.
Half my heart's got a real good imagination
Half my heart's got you
Half my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That half my heart won't do
Gee thanks, John Mayer.
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