And so I was on the train en route to work doing the usual 'I will pull out my smart phone and pretend to look busy by surfing Facebook' act when my attention was yanked by an update from one of my colleagues who announced her engagement to her boyfriend. As my brain registered the update, I ran through a series of thoughts in the following order:
1. WOW!
2. HA!
3. Good for them!
4. Aren't they a little young?
5. Hmmm... o.O
I am truly happy for the said colleague but of course, my non-linear brain had to veer wildly and start thinking of all sorts of things. I sometimes believe that I am some type of crazy but it's just that nobody has attached a medical name to it yet. Anyway...
The concept of marriage has always boggled me. Growing up in my house, relationships and marriage were not topics of open discussion. And after witnessing my parents' marriage, I grew up telling myself that I would be very careful with my choice of partner and even more careful about who I would marry. Of course this perception changed as I grew older. Had you asked me when I was 23 or 24, what I wanted to do with my life, I would have not hesitated to tell you that I wanted to get married and start a family. Ask me that same question now and I will bestow upon you my most flummoxed expression, shrug like a Frenchman and tell you "not now".
Before you point an accusatory finger and say that I am jaded, let me explain that I am not against the idea of marriage. I am all for it BUT(!) marriage is far too serious an issue to just rush headlong into. Having got myself stuck (yes, I said stuck), in a long-term relationship, I realize why there are many brave people who choose to plunge into that gigantic M pool. Alas, it is this same relationship that has made me realize jumping into the M pool with the wrong person is a bid for disaster.
Sure, when we all start going out with someone new, it's all fun and fluffy and exciting that you think his/her compulsive need to iron his/her underwear is just soooo cute! And then when that initial
This is not to say that after 'honeymooning', it's all over. However, relationships are in general a real test of character. Patience, compromise and not yelling 'I quit!' and running for the nearest hill each time you get ticked off is a big-ass commitment. Marriage is that level of commitment to the power of n or until one of you kicks the bucket. In simple terms, that's one hell of a big ass.
Well there's always divorce you say. Personally, I am in two minds about the D word. Yes, if your spouse is an adulterous bastard/whore shagging everything that moves apart from you and you want out, I say that's totally fair. No one should put up with that. If you choose to put up with that though, I suggest you don't behave like a martyr. Then there's the other lot who decide that after getting married for X number of years and having a brood of children and a dog that the person they married is not right for them. I agree people change over time but I don't believe that that's sufficient reason to dissolve a marriage and a family unit just because one party 'can't stand it anymore'. Divorce is ugly regardless of whether there are children in the picture or not. Adults often don't realize the side-effects that a divorce has on them. I have witnessed several people go through the process with and without kids and either way, the final outcome is never pleasant for all members involved. Having said that though, if you've been married and suddenly realize that you're a gay/lesbian and need to come out of the closet because you can no longer hide your homo-erotic desires and tendencies, then okay, divorce away. Better that than live a painful life of lies.
I'm pretty sure that not everyone will agree with my views and I can accept and respect that. My only advice for those who choose to take the plunge is to ask yourself if your commitment to other person is rock solid. Put together a checklist of things that you like and dislike about the other person. Go through the list of dislikes and ask yourself if you really, really, really see yourself putting up with those dislikes and all the forms into which they could mutate with time, for the rest of your life. If you find yourself being unsure of more than half those items on that list, then it's time to take a step back and ask yourself if marriage is really the route you want to walk down. To be fair, this probably isn't the best way to decide if you want to settle down with someone because there are a million factors that could come into play (e.g., shotgun pregnancy, need green card to stay in significant other's country, bored and don't know what to do with one's life etc.) However, it's a basic requirement. If you can't see yourself dealing with the small stuff, then forget about dealing with all the other crap that is going to fly your way over the period of forever after.
As for me, I'm going to risk sitting down and shooting the breeze until I'm ready to throw myself into the pool.
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